5.31.09 - 273/365

well,
i guess i am not ready to be so public
i am going to continue keeping the day-to-day images private on flickr
this 2 months of limited internet activity has started to pay off in the studio
and i don't want to change anything now.

this past month,
for the life(s) lesson(s) journal,
i have been drawing sp's again
they are posted on in between the photos on flickr.



sidebar
i was trying to catch up on my condolence letters earlier
(yes, that's plural, i have 4 to write)
and i came across this interview
so much of it really touched me

5.30.09 - 272/365

well
things are changing in the studio
in a good way
in a slow way
(i like fast
but who am i to argue)

the self portraits however
are still looking the same...
taking a break from "that face"

5.29.09 - 271/365

first day back in the studio
and it was tough, tough, going
until
i looked at what i was doing
and realized
that's what i am doing
and it doesn't really matter what i think about it
because that's all i am capable of at the moment

5.28.09 - 270/365

the day started off pretty shitty
dreading work
caught in the rain riding in
had to lock up and sub it
but
somewhere along the line
it turned around
the vibe in the office was a little more relaxed
it was still rainy on the way home,
so it was good i had left the bike in brooklyn
and i was unexpectedly in a social mood

5.27.09 - 269/365

when i first looked at the sp's from today
i thought:
"i am getting so fed up with this same stressed face every day"
and then i thought
"that might just be what it takes to turn this tide around"
and then i thought
about a question someone asked me not too long ago:
about whether i thought that all this daily dwelling
on these forlorn images
and morose writings
was keeping me in the abyss...

well,
i don't think so
i see it more as a capricorn thing
as in:
no way out but through
but
maybe,
finally,
i have gotten to the point
where i am so bored with the status quo
that i am just going to have to find a way to change it all up,
it's just not going anywhere
at all

5.26.09 - 268/365

back home
a catch up day
decided to not stress
and moved going into the office until tomorrow

while away,
someone suggested "going away"
as a way
to get back home...
the reality is
coming home
makes it feel a bit more like home;
seeing the cats,
watering the garden,
(the arugula bolted in my absence)
taking a walk to buy bananas
and bumping into neighbors
those things feel like
coming home

5.25.09 - 267/365

on the way home
in the airport
waiting for the red eye to depart
i am exhausted
even though all i've done is relax
but
i do know why
in the whole time i have been away
aside from the time asleep,
some of the time doing my watercolors
and a 50 min (kind of) yoga class
i have been with people
i haven't even had a moment to read

5.24.09 - 266/365

each day goes by in a blur
all of a sudden
dinner is over
it's time for bed
and i've almost forgotten to take a sp

5.23.09 - 265/365

we are in ojai
celebrating my brother's 50th
we just had a lovely dinner
honoring him
the things people said were so beautiful, funny & true
i cried many times
including during my toast
my brother has an amazing capacity for friendship
and a great love of children;
the energy was incredible

i looked in the mirror
when i was in the bathroom
and didn't recognize myself at all
it was the strangest feeling
as if someone else were looking back at me
it kind of seemed like i was in a cheesy movie
except that it was very, very real

not quite sure what to make of it...

5.22.09 - 264/365

in la, at my brother's

normally when i fly
i am adamant about an aisle seat;
i watch the whole trip go by,
i do my watercolors
painting what i see out the window
(i love crop patterns)
and,
of course,
i take pictures

this trip...
i was in the center seat
and i spent the whole time
trying to get a handle
on unread email

consequently
i feel as if i was just plucked from ny
and dropped here
with no sense of having traveled
(except my ears are still fried)

it's a strange feeling

5.21.09 - 263/365

packing...
one of my least favorite things to do;
i always want everything with me
all the time
and of course
that's impossible

and it doesn't really matter
how much i edit myself,
i know i'll be carrying a heavy bag
(i don't do those wheelie things)
and that i'll need to check luggage
because
there's also all my watercolor stuff to pack as well

couple this with the fact
that i leave everything until the last minute
which means
i've never gotten more than 4 hours of sleep
before any plane trip
and you can see why i look
the way that i do

5.20.09 - 262/365

i'm not sure this smiling thing is all it's cranked up to be...

5.19.09 - 261/365

another day
another picture

5.18.09 - 260/365

a lot of catching up today

5.17.09 - 259/365

they are tucked away somewhere,
those pictures
with their bent corners
b&w,
some yellowed or lined by creased emulsion...
you as a baby,
me as a small child,
alex the cat,
before there was a dog.
our family,
then.

they are tucked away safely
in an envelope,
perhaps between two books,
on a shelf
somewhere in my studio.

i came across them about a month ago
and thought
"they are tucked away,
safe in this envelope
some place where
i will happen upon them,
from time to time,
but not too often"

and i will be surprised again
and i will look through them again
and remember,
feel that nostalgic tug
and then put them back
away,
in the same place
safe
until the next time

and i was thinking
"they will be here
if ever i should need them"
except they are not
because that moment has come
and i can't remember
where a safe place might possibly be.

if this was then
instead of now
if this was where my life used to be
i would be able to go to them in a second
i would know exactly where they were
on a shelf
between two books
in my studio

but it's not
everything is new
everything
despite my best efforts
is still inside out
and i have no idea
where a safe place might possibly be.

yes
i am missing a few important pictures
for a little project i have taken on,
i've been scanning pictures of my brother over the years,
a friend of his is putting together a slide show
for his 50th birthday celebration next weekend
(yes, my little brother)
and since i got him a digital frame for his birthday,
the images will have a place there as well.

this is the first medium format picture i ever took
i borrowed a camera and set it up,
made 11x14" prints
(that was a big deal in 11th grade)
and sepia toned them
to give as christmas presents
to our parents & grandparents

5.16.09 - 258/365

"the color of white"

first time i have written on the wall of my new studio
i used to do this...
whenever

5.15.09 - 257/365

i'm shutting down

5.14.09 - 256/365

just not feelin' it

5.13.09 - 255/365

scanning stuff for my bro's 50th
this should have been my sp 4 2day:

5.12.09 - 254/365

so last night i cut my hair
well, maybe butchered is more like it
right here i can see a little piece i missed
i's much shorter than i wanted
but it's possibly healthier

5.11.09 - 253/365

the simple reality is
that this is excruciating
it has been 4 months of trying
there were moments when i thought i had connected
but there simply have not been enough
i do everything that i know how
i work every day
i try to meditate and practice a tiny bit of yoga every day
i tried giving up a lot of my on-line obligations
i have made space for the garden
i have cut back on my community activities
i am reading for inspiration/enlightenment
i am taking fish oil & st. john's wort
i turn my paintings around
i paint them out
i sit and i look
i simply don't know what else to do
and it frightens me beyond belief

5.10.09 - 252/365

things happen
and
they don't

5.9.09 - 251/365

visiting my mother
eating an ice cream cone
who could resist,
the flavor was "simply lavender"

5.8.09 - 250/365

smudge joined me in the studio today
for the first time in a long time
and deposited herself on my lap

i hadn't packed a bag
but somehow she knew
i was going somewhere

5.7.09 - 249/365

today is literally endless

5.6.09 - 248/365

i am no stranger to dirty hands
except it's usually paint

5.5.09 - 247/365

through the looking glass
a fairly consistent theme...
for a while i lived there
in a parallel world
that was very real to me
now,
i don't know how to get back
without losing myself completely

strangely
it's 5/5
& exactly 5 months ago
on 12/5
i prepared this diptych,
but didn't post it

5.4.09 - 246/365

{sigh}
i can't do everything that i want
i really can't
this might seem obvious
but i have spent my entire life believing
that once something comes into my head
i can do it
period
end
and this seems not to be the case
at least
not anymore

5.3.09 - 245/365

yes,
i know i am still "off the grid"
but honestly, this project was too much fun to pass up

fun,
and relevant
to what a lot of my energy
in the past 4 months
has gone into

no,
not just twitter
but the interacting with
and creating visual understandings of
the social medium phenomena

so,
not only was today's portrait executed to participate in co-modify
it is also a symbol of how
this whole on-line "thing" does enter into my studio life
(& not only take away from it)

if you aren't following every aspect of my social media endeavors
(and who could?)
you can view the ongoing performance on tumblr
it will be complete on 5/10

5.2.09 - 244/365

i worked on this yesterday
still seems to be wet

5.1.09 - 243/365

so
i decided to take a month
(that was april)
to get back to myself
it seems it wasn't long enough
i am not ready
i came very close to ending this project
i had such doubt again today
so
i am going to keep the flickr snaps private for a bit longer
and keep looking