8.28.09 - 362/365

struggling,
struggling,
with upgrading my site
for starters,
it's not going to be as easy to convert all those (100's of) pages as i thought
but it's more than that really
it's that it involves an analysis of my entire process
which is a big and complicated endeavor
but that is what i see as the site's function
and then
the design aspect consumes me
(the same way people get sucked into video games or tv)
and i can't do anything else at the same time
this means paint, eat, sleep, community work
so the rest of my life is crumbling around me
it's very unbalanced...
but it does follow
that with all this self referential activity:
reviewing old projects,
trying to map & make sense of
the twists and turns of my process
that it's all about me today
and because i've been leaving taking these pictures until the end of the day
it's all about the lx3 in low light
it's one of the main reasons i chose this camera
and yet
i haven't been taking advantage it
i do love what it does

8.27.09 - 361/365

i am so consumed by design/programming right now
that i fear the end of this project is getting short changed
but i suppose.
that's (real) life

below
a sign of things to come
from a series i took but never posted
and that's were i am living right now
between what has happened
and what will come

(and remember... you can be part of it too)

8.26.09 - 360/365

i like these meta portraits
the endless self referential loop...
fitting because august was meant to be about evaluating all daily process
so that i can make some decisions about going forward
well,
i am still not clear...

i can't keep taking these pictures of myself
(at least i don't think i can)
but there is an aspect of it that's working
since it is very different from saying:
"i will take a picture a day"
with a self portrait project you are guaranteed 2 things:
1. access to the same subject matter each day
2. subject matter with which you have an intimate connection
this is hard to duplicate

there are also other questions that i have to answer like:

which blogs to continue & how do they overlap?
during this time i have stopped posting on random thoughts
even without that pressure
i sometimes feel that it is too much
to create compelling material each day
for both this blog and my 2 fotolae

and
am i more comfortable with...?
a strict photoblog like random thoughts
or
with a more traditional blog format like this where i write as well

and
what to do about my daily watercolor project?
do i continue with the same 5 journals which are becoming unwieldy
or
do i create some new format for it

and
what about my website overhaul?
am i just upgrading the infrastructure:
adding style sheets,
getting rid of the frames architecture,
making it more inviting to update
or
am i also giving it a stylistic overhaul
going for a lighter, more airy, stripped down approach?

these are a lot of questions to answer in 5 days...

8.22.09 - 356/365

another geek day
a lot of computer
a lot of programming
a lot of problem solving
a lot of what needs to happen for the future

and then
also
things that happened in the past

8.20.09 - 354/365

on the manhattan bridge
on my bike
on my way to work
and
it's pushing 90°

on days like this
i go into granny gear
for the uphill part of the bridge

8.19.09 - 353/365

geek day today
no oil, just working on revamping my website
trying to figure out how to make this new thing (if you're interested) go forward

this stage of the WIP project is from monday,
usually by now in the process, i proceed intuitively from one day to the next;
the painting tells me what to do
but at this moment,
every day that i want to work
requires a journey to the place where i can hear that voice
just being in the studio doesn't do it
there is a whole internal realignment that has to happen
and that part isn't fluid yet;
each day it is still a struggle,
and that's just where i am at

8.16.09 - 350/365

350 down, 15 left to go
had a little creative check in with my bgf
the super smart & funny love coach to the stars; Lauren Frances
(check her out boys & girls if you need a little love Rx)
she gave me an incredible idea
that is going to help me focus
all the loose ends i keep encountering
as i try to understand where to go when this is over

there will be a beta version in the next month or so...
let me know if you are interested

for lauren

& listening to:

8.15.09 - 349/365

this is a real push/pull process
i paint out
i make gestures
i refine
it becomes too...
worked
precious
labored
stiff
and then i have to destroy it
to paint out again
and bring it back

the days when i have to destroy
they can be really difficult
and i have to remember

"When you begin a picture you often make some pretty discoveries. You must be on guard against these. Destroy the thing, do it over several times. In each destroying of a beautiful discovery, the artist does not really suppress it, but rather condenses it, makes it more substantial. What comes out in the end is the result of discarded finds. Otherwise you become your own connoisseur"

- Pablo Picasso

and i also need to go really slow
because there is going to be a point where i have to stop
and i have never been very good at acknowledging that

sidebar

my fotola posts for today really felt like my drawing to me

8.14.09 - 348/365

all of a sudden
almost in spite of myself
there's a body of work
developing in the studio
and it does seem to have come from somewhere
tho,
i still don't quite understand
what's going on
but
i am kind of getting used to that

and still haven't figured out
why i am tracking this painting here
and if not here
where?

i suppose this is another question that needs to get addressed
by the end of the month

series so far

8.13.09 - 347/365

thinking a lot about my place in this world
and going forward
especially with my daily practice
and my blogs, etc.

what are the things about posting images that are important to me?
and what are not?

after this project ends
what structure will replace it?

sometimes my camera gets set accidentally on 3:2 or 16:9

and i don't post these
not on flickr, nor on fotola
because it makes the grid pages all uneven
and i hate that
(notice, no verticals either)

but there is something nice about them
when they happen
and it is in that space
in between
the need for order
and
the love of the accidental
that i need to play

it is the place between
structure
and
discovery

it is being able to balance
a desire for measurement and evaluation
with
the necessity of jumping off the cliff

i knew i was going to confront this in august
and now,
with 347 of 365 days gone
it's time...

8.12.09 - 346/365

there are places you belong
and places you don't
so why try to force things?

8.9.09 - 343/365

sunday and it's overcast
but at least it was out of bed
to the beach
that's the way i like
my time away
there are some nice big stones here
that can go back to the garden
that's always fun too

i've taken this picture so many times before
for so many reasons...

life's like that i guess
repeating patterns
under different circumstances

sidebar
& life ...
(or at least self portraits)
so much easier with sunglasses

8.8.09 - 342/365

finally on the beach
alone

i started out so late
and the parking lots were full
finally found a spot
($20/day!!!)
and
it stands to reason that
if the lot is full
the beach is packed

when i first got there
i didn't know quite how i would handle the crowds
but then
i saw what seemed like a clearing down aways
i walked towards it
and there was basically no one
in an area about 40 ft long
it was because of a (slightly smelly) red tide
it seems people didn't want to be there
it was perfect for me
:))))

8.6.09 - 340/365

because i have been trying to focus more on "studio"
and less on "vrtual"
and really less on "social"
i have not been participating in certain things as much as i normally would

this was taken in response to lauren mccarthy's 1stfans twitter project


and i finally posted this:

which i found so moving

8.3.09 - 337/365

just felt like it

8.2.09 - 336/365

it grew so dark
in the middle of the day
and it rained
and rained
and rained
seemingly
endlessly

i don't know where else to put this
i think it's part of a new project
that hasn't quite formed yet
so it goes here for now

even though this painting was started in my new studio
it is old work
and i am through with this for now
there are aspects of it that i love
but i see those things in too many other places
i used to like that
i used to find it a confirmation
as if i was tapping into a pulse
hooking into the collective
but i don't feel this way anymore
i feel it has become a way of seeing
a language
a response
that is no longer new
and
is rather obvious

i am looking for a new language
or
a new vocabulary
i am not comfortable with what i am finding
in fact
i am so uncomfortable
that each day i come into the studio
i have to start from scratch
retrace my steps
to find the thread of continuity
it's like having to start at the beginning of a book
each time you sit down to read
eventually you can skim those first chapters
because they are
after all
familiar
and perhaps it is just that
that continual repitition
that allows you to own it

but anyway
as i was on my way to saying
i am not comfortable with this new language
even though it is unquestionably mine
i have been using it for as long as i can remember
if i look around the studio
it is in the watercolors
the doodles
the oils
large & small
but i am not comfortable
yet i have no choice

so this painting
let's see
how it transforms
into the present
from where it started
as if it was 3 years ago

series so far

7.30.09 - 333/365

{sigh}
i don't know
if snapping a pic of yourslf every day
actually qualifies as taking self portraits
but it's all i've got right now...

sidebar:
and what do you think it is about this
that makes it a magnet for asian porn posts

7.29.09 - 332/365

feels like

7.26.09 - 329/365

lost again
can't find what i care about
painting is a lot about caring
this makes painting hard

7.25.09 - 328/365

fly free