8.22.09 - 356/365

another geek day
a lot of computer
a lot of programming
a lot of problem solving
a lot of what needs to happen for the future

and then
also
things that happened in the past

8.6.09 - 340/365

because i have been trying to focus more on "studio"
and less on "vrtual"
and really less on "social"
i have not been participating in certain things as much as i normally would

this was taken in response to lauren mccarthy's 1stfans twitter project


and i finally posted this:

which i found so moving

8.5.09 - 339/365

it seemed like a good idea at the time
but honestly,
not so brilliant

so yes,
rough again today
i had high hopes
i had bought new muslin to work with
i thought that would provide the thread
instead it kind of broke it
(no pun intended)

{sigh}

series so far

8.1.09 - 335/365

so it's august
which means that it's the last month of this project
i am ready for it to be over
but i have some work to do
i need to re-evaluate the components of my daily process
aside from ending this project
are there any other aspects of it that need to change/take on a new form?

i found this mesmerizing:


Dean & Britta performed 13 Most Beautiful...Songs for Andy Warhol's Screen Tests"
at the Prospect Park Band Shell tonight.
of course
without the music,
the full impact is lost
if you have a chance to see it
in it's entirety,
do

more on this project

7.29.09 - 332/365

feels like

7.25.09 - 328/365

fly free

7.12.09 - 315/365

finally
finally
finally
back in the studio

for as long as i can remember
i have started every new canvas
by cleaning my brushes on it
building up layers
until i see something
and then i start painting.

today
i just started painting
i have no idea how long it's been
since i painted directly on a blank canvas

7.11.09 - 314/365

i've said this before,
it's not just the time i spend doing activities outside the studio
it's the time it takes me to transition between the head spaces each entails
the community work is really a killer in this regard
yes, the meetings, the letter writing, the website & the administrative work all take up (lots) of time
but the person i need to be to do this work and the energy level it entails
is the antithesis of who i am in the studio.
the environment of community work is charged with adrenalin, emotion, anger and extreme passion, it is loud & noisy and i become bullheaded, bossy and idealistic
going from this environment to the studio
is like leaving a firing range and then trying to hear a pin drop
or going from bright, bright light into a dark room and trying to see
it is physically impossible
it takes time to adjust
and there is no way of knowing how long it will take

7.3.09 - 306/365

in the car

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

by Derek Walcott
(Nobel Prize for Literature in 1992)

6.27.09 - 300/365

i am getting very annoyed
by precious & earnest
i am not sure what this says about me

6.26.09 - 299/365

when i get hungry
i can go out in the garden and pick peas
most of them are still sweet
though some have been on the vine too long
it only takes about 10 minutes
for the mosquitoes to descend
and start devouring me
within 15 minutes i am a mass of welts
and it's time to go inside
but no matter how quickly i open & close the screen door
one always gets in with me

6.25.09 - 298/365

i put a ring on the other day
one i wore
every day
for years
it feels heavy and cumbersome
these kind of things never bothered me before
now i notice them

6.24.09 - 297/365

i know it's 2 steps forward
and one back
just wasn't ready for that so soon
i am sure it will be easier this time
to find myself
but right now
that's not much of a comfort

6.19.09 - 292/365

i have
for a long time,
wanted to get the spontaneity of my watercolor work
into the oil paintings
over the years i have developed many projects
to address this
early on with the wip project
and most recently with random thoughts

this new work,
this painting over
making marks
and painting over
seems to be a continuation of this search
all of a sudden
seen in this context
this process starts to feel grounded,
connected to previous explorations

6.10.09 - 283/365

this is a strangely significant photo...
always,
since i have been taking pictures
i see myself in a moment
and want to take a picture of it
meaning
i want to take a picture
where the subject is the moment

i remember this countless times,
like
being in the bath
with the water running over my feet
or seeing just the tips of my toes
floating above the water line...

somehow,
this is one of those pictures

6.7.09 - 280/365

honestly
this is exactly what i saw
when i took it

5.30.09 - 272/365

well
things are changing in the studio
in a good way
in a slow way
(i like fast
but who am i to argue)

the self portraits however
are still looking the same...
taking a break from "that face"

5.17.09 - 259/365

they are tucked away somewhere,
those pictures
with their bent corners
b&w,
some yellowed or lined by creased emulsion...
you as a baby,
me as a small child,
alex the cat,
before there was a dog.
our family,
then.

they are tucked away safely
in an envelope,
perhaps between two books,
on a shelf
somewhere in my studio.

i came across them about a month ago
and thought
"they are tucked away,
safe in this envelope
some place where
i will happen upon them,
from time to time,
but not too often"

and i will be surprised again
and i will look through them again
and remember,
feel that nostalgic tug
and then put them back
away,
in the same place
safe
until the next time

and i was thinking
"they will be here
if ever i should need them"
except they are not
because that moment has come
and i can't remember
where a safe place might possibly be.

if this was then
instead of now
if this was where my life used to be
i would be able to go to them in a second
i would know exactly where they were
on a shelf
between two books
in my studio

but it's not
everything is new
everything
despite my best efforts
is still inside out
and i have no idea
where a safe place might possibly be.

yes
i am missing a few important pictures
for a little project i have taken on,
i've been scanning pictures of my brother over the years,
a friend of his is putting together a slide show
for his 50th birthday celebration next weekend
(yes, my little brother)
and since i got him a digital frame for his birthday,
the images will have a place there as well.

this is the first medium format picture i ever took
i borrowed a camera and set it up,
made 11x14" prints
(that was a big deal in 11th grade)
and sepia toned them
to give as christmas presents
to our parents & grandparents

5.14.09 - 256/365

just not feelin' it

5.11.09 - 253/365

the simple reality is
that this is excruciating
it has been 4 months of trying
there were moments when i thought i had connected
but there simply have not been enough
i do everything that i know how
i work every day
i try to meditate and practice a tiny bit of yoga every day
i tried giving up a lot of my on-line obligations
i have made space for the garden
i have cut back on my community activities
i am reading for inspiration/enlightenment
i am taking fish oil & st. john's wort
i turn my paintings around
i paint them out
i sit and i look
i simply don't know what else to do
and it frightens me beyond belief