4.30.09 - 242/365

i don't like it
when i don't have time to do my watercolors
before i go into work
and
oski doesn't like it
when i don't make time
for us to be in the garden

4.29.09 - 241/365

sometimes tears are all right
i had a very strong connection to the garden today
this feeling made me very, very happy
it also led to a vision about the little office space connected to my studio:
i think i need to paint it a deep, rich red,
i need to make a more womb-like space,
that is part of my studio
(i know my partner in crime will understand)
so i am all right with my todoist 4 2day

4.28.09 - 240/365

something about these too:

4.27.09 - 239/365

a bit of a lost day
sometimes the community stuff overtakes my life...
and the garden...
well,
i've finished preparing the beds,
now i have to figure out what to plant in them

4.26.09 - 238/365

a bit of a cop out of a self portrait
i don't see a truth here
i don't feel a connection to me
unless it's that i was trying too hard
to make up for something i missed...

at about 5
i went out into the garden to read.
it had been so hot
that it was the first time all day
that it was comfortable to sit in the sun

i was on the chairs from my mom
very cozy, with cushions
and oski came up
and was lying next to me
i would have given anything
to have had my cellphone
to take a self portrait at that moment
to capture the perfection of it

but maybe it is better
for that image to exist
just in my mind,
just in my heart,
and for me to have had the experience
as opposed to the reflective
(and revlexive) reaction.

4.25.09 - 237/365

a very physical day
a lot of planting
a beautiful day to be outside
i was content being there

and later
after a shower
while doing my watercolors
i thought:
if i make art in a spontaneous way,
from a non-thinking place,
it stands to follow that
if i am disconnected
there is no point
since the process relies on being connected
it ceases to be possible with out it
this seems obvious
and it seems as if it is what i have been saying all along
saying yes,
but perhaps not feeling...

and i need time
time to relax into things
time to read
time to do nothing
just thinking about
not having the time to do nothing
for 10 minutes,
is not the same
as doing nothing for an hour;
the time you spend thinking about it,
really is 10 minutes of doing nothing
while the 1 hour you spend doing nothing
is an hour spent sinking deeper into the self

i wasn't going to do a todoist for today
because i thought
it wasn't a studio day
but of course it was

4.24.09 - 236/365

proof positive that it's really just the way my face responds to the camera
i tried to make a "not unhappy" sp today...
out of about 10,
this is the ONLY one that doesn't look as if i am about to burst into tears...

and what a kind of wild day today was ...
i am still amazed by the power of social media;
last night,
i got an email from an acquaintance/friend
about 2 beagles that were rescued & needed a home
i decided to post them on flickr
by the time i got up this morning,
someone had read the post and was moved to post it on digg;
and my flickrmail & gmail were on fire.
let me first say, that i am thrilled that a tiny little effort on my part has gone such a long way to helping others, especially 4 legged others;
it seems as if the dogs have a new home
i'll keep updating the flickr page as i get more news.

but meta-me has to say
that if i didn't "get" "viral" before,
i sure do now:
in 24 hours that one photo got 18,000 hits
13,000 of which came from digg!

and interestingly
only 50 of those 18,000 explored further than that one page
says something about how people use the internet...

also today i received some books i had ordered -
i realized that i haven't been reading
and that has always an important part of my process:

party of one: the loners' manifesto: brings an attitude of "rightness" to needing to be alone
flow: almost a classic at this point, but never got around to it, i think it might wake something up in me
getting through the day: awful title, but deals with how having grown up in an abusive situation can extend into adulthood and how one can heal those issues. my therapist recommended it, it's not something i'll be bringing away with me on the upcoming family trip

an uneventful day in the studio,
but peaceful,
which is a major improvement
watercolors are getting ugly again
(btw that's not harsh, it's process)
but i really do
(surprisingly)
like this one


(no, not with my left hand)

(wow this post is all over the place)

4.23.09 - 235/365

blessings of the day:
i painted b4 work
it's really nice biking weather
i am going to go to bed instead of doing community work until 2AM

4.22.09 - 234/365

all in all
not a bad day
it was the first day
in a long time
that i was completely along
for a long stretch of time
and since i left the loft 3 years ago
i bet i can count days like this
on one hand
they used to be the norm...
missing piece to the puzzle?

so today's snap was taken while touring the studio
(outtake here)
it's all in the name of "listening"
and "rescuing"
and "discovery"

and this
i believe
is brilliant
if you use firefox
you can download an extension
and make this page your default page
when you open up a new tab

now,
you would think with an inspiration like that
i didn't spend too much time today surfing
but you'd be wrong
thought this was rather confirming since it kind of describes my process
(tho i know my partner in crime does not like "tricks")

and this is not a "trick" really
but just a way have acknowledging
all the activities that can be part of a "studio day"
aside from painting
since the process of making images
involves so much more
than just the act of applying paint to canvas

4.21.09 - 233/365

the end of a long day

4.20.09 - 232/365

i didn't mean for it to happen
but somehow the community
got another day out of me
maybe it's my way of taking a break

4.19.09 - 231/365

painting stuff out again
trying to see
trying to hear
trying to feel
trying to tolerate the intolerable
trying to tune in that signal but not even getting static
oh yea
just trying

4.18.09 - 230/365

so that was dark

4.17.09 - 229/365

oski makes me smile

4.16.09 - 228/365

it's not like i am just grabbing him
and holding him like this
he comes over and starts his whole head butting routine
while i am trying to shoot
so i think you could say
he's asking for it

4.15.09 - 227/365

the sun returned
and i am ready for the journey...
i spent a lot of time looking today
and just a little time painting
and i have to be all right with that
i have to honor this gift of insight
and for me that means to trust,

if that little voice
(t_l_v)
gave me an answer
then
i must listen
or
understand that it might disappear

and what i heard was
"get comfortable with the discomfort
get comfortable with the not knowing
get comfortable with not being there
because that is the nature of the journey"

of course i feel like that whiny little kid in the back seat
asking over and over
"are we there yet?"

4.14.09 - 226/365

so
this is what i felt was really a picture of me today
this piece that i have been working on for the last 40+ days

yesterday i mentioned a gtd tool
(that's "getting things done")
that made me feel surprisingly content
and i attributed that to being able to create a visualization of the inside of my head.
todoist is structured exactly the way that i break things down for myself
so it is very satisfying for me to use
and this activity
of organizing thoughts
is very comforting to me
it's why i was so drawn into database design;
when i first started programming i would stay up every night until 3 or 4
and go to bed feeling as if i was sleeping inside the structure of what i had just made.

my on-line activity,
when it is going well
(and by that i suppose i mean
when it is serving my vision
as opposed to running my life)
gives me much the same feeling
my ideas become mapped out visually
and preserved in a way
that makes me feel free to continue exploring,
it feels as if i have created a trail
to a little virtual home that once again,
at the end of the day
i can curl up in and go to sleep.

and when my painting is going well
this same metaphor exists
hopefully,
in my studio,
it is my feelings,
not my thoughts,
that have been mapped out
and put into a (relatively) permanent & accessible form

this of course,
is always a struggle for me;
my being (in jungian terms) a thinking type,
i am very comfortable reasoning things through
but feeling them...
and then expressing those feelings...
this does not come naturally to me
and therefore,
it is what is most meaningful for me
to accomplish

so when i am connected
and making work that sort of bypasses my brain
i have that same sensation
at the end of the day:
when i ago to sleep
i crawl into the little nest that i have made
inside the container of my work

when this happens
i feel fulfilled.

so today,
i was thinking about this parallel
and how it can help guide me
and i had an insight that this is what it is actually all about
in this moment:
the JOURNEY,
the way back home

i have always felt a sense of mapping about my process
(i wanted to name one show: "mapping my way out of hell",
my gallery wasn't thrilled)
and for the past 2 years i have been obsessed with
wanting/needing to find my way back home

if i look at the work i am making right now
and
if i look at the structure that i have based my latest 2 watercolor projects on
it is about following these threads
making connections between my days
tracing pathways...

so i feel there might be an answer here
an answer that i have been working on
but just haven't been able to connect to it
we'll see if this is true
if this resonance persists

in as much as i try to work from that feeling place
ultimately
it is when i find a reason for things
that i am truly comforted
c'est la guerre

4.13.09 - 225/365

on the days that i only work with watercolors
when i don't work in oil
things are a little easier
but those days
don't feel like part of my life
i did find a great organizational tool
a very elegant "to do" list
it's web based & ties into gmail
and called todoist
things like this actually do make me happy
seeing the inside of my head
visually displayed on the screen
makes sense
it's what i am trying to do with paint
except that i am hoping to capture the inside of my heart & soul
and therein lies the problem
i can't express what i can't experience

4.12.09 - 224/365

people keep telling me to stop being so hard on myself
i suppose they feel that i blame myself for the place that i am in
or
that i am expecting too much from myself?
i am not sure
all i know is that i want to feel more connected to myself
and to my work
all i know is that without that sense of connection
all i feel is despair
it's not that i blame myself
it's just that if i don't take responsibility for it
how will it change?
and all this introspection
i am not sure if it is helping
this constantly looking at myself from the outside
trying to present some comprehensible view of things
trying to convey how i feel
without sounding pathetic
is this just exacerbating the situation???

it seems all i do is question, question, question
i was always much better at doing
as opposed to being
now i seem to be excelling
at observing myself not doing

perhaps this is what they mean
about being too hard on myself,
well,
at least i've answered one question

4.11.09 - 223/365

today i did something with white paint
but not very much
i seem to want answers
i guess to fill the vacuum

4.10.09 - 222/365

each day...
the same...

4.9.09 - 221/365

there is no going back

there was a time
when this image
would have spoken volumes
but that was a long time
ago

the sad thing is
that i really don't recognize
anything at all

4.8.09 - 220/365

only catching glimpses of meaning,
here & there...

in a way
it's worse than seeing nothing at all
because it makes how much i've lost
even more real

4.7.09 - 219/365

if you think these are bad...
you should see the drawings i have been making of myself
lately
they have some real dumas damage to them
(yup, feeling derivative again)
honestly, the cell phone is a bit of a challenge
when it comes to portraits
and i am getting tired of having to see myself like this
day after day

4.6.09 - 218/365

so not feeling "it"today

4.5.09 - 217/365

we were both out there today
he was guarding the land
i was playing with rocks
what a beautiful spring day
back in the studio
i made some marks
not much
just some marks

4.4.09 - 216/365

the only solution today
was to paint over everything
all the large canvases
i have done 'til now...
i couldn't see how to go forward
so i had to go back,
whatever was there
that was real,
will resurface
and i am not interested
in anything that wasn't

4.3.09 - 215/365

it's lonely here
clearly i've been trying to divert myself from the fact
that i can't find myself
but now there's no escaping it

4.2.09 - 214/365

what a surprise
a blue sky
instead of rain today

i am feeling both
a little lost
and
a lot relieved

it is very different to wake up and not have an hour of catching up with yesterday's posts
before even beginning to think about starting today

and when i came home tonite
and painted
while i didn't hear any voices
i did hear silence

4.1.09 - 213/365

i have been trying to refocus
on my self and my process;
i started this project partially because
i thought it would facilitate this
and
to some extent it has
but right now
it doesn't seem to be working

between this project and my other on-line activities
i am spending WAY too much time at the keyboard

i will continue here,
but for the moment,
in a somewhat abbreviated fashion
april's self portraits will all be cell phone snaps
uploaded via smg
i will not be making the flickr side public until the end of the month
and i will not be posting an image in between each self portrait
by simplifying the project in this way
i will not be focusing
(no pun intended)
on creating individual portraits that are particularly interesting,
hopefully as a group they will be
but i don't want the day to day pressure
of presenting them publicly
i also believe
that what i need in order to find myself right now
is a greater sense of quiet
because the voice i am listening for
is so, so soft

i need to plant
i need to paint
and
i need to spend time alone,
i also need to make time for my garden
i know i need that to ground myself
(literally & figuratively)

i will continue posting daily to my fotolas,
(they are the thumbnail links at the top of this page)

i probably will continue posting to myownlittlepiece of heaven
since i have a project there that i am hoping will encourage me to update my painting site

i will of course continue with t_l_v & museu
since these are projects deeply connected to my process

facebook, tweating, etc are also on hold for the moment
since "social" is not something i am looking for right now.