9.2.08 - 2/365

i wasn't prepared for this
despite the warnings
i wasn't prepared to be so unnerved by aging
my whole life i have always looked much younger than i am

now when you are a kid
and everyone thinks your little brother is older than you are
life just isn't fair

and when you are a teen
and are still taken for being in the single digits
this does not do wonders for your social standing

and when you are a young adult
and you are continually carded
(i grew up when the drinking age was 18)
you begin to wonder when
you will finally be thankful for this curse

but slowly you get to the age
where you do come to accept
and then enjoy
what once was a burden

and i lived in that place for quite a while

but the last 2 years of stress
of being without a home
without a studio
and without the space to spend long periods of time alone
have aged me
and i don't like it

and
i am surprised by it
i was never one to hide my age
so i thought i was comfortable with it

i was never one who deliberately used my looks as a passport
so i thought i didn't care

but growing up in ny,
in the fashion world
where beauty is taken for granted

and being in the art world
where youth is a commodity that is impossible to hold on to

well
it seems these things have had a larger effect on me
than i have cared to acknowledge
but is now undeniable

part of the motivation for engaging in this project
is
i believe
a desire to confront this head on,
to make peace with it
and
to leave it behind