2.28.09 - 181/365

when you get thrown from a horse
you are supposed to get right back on

it took me until about 6 this evening to start working again.

& he's a bit in disgrace
due to yesterday's antics

2.27.09 - 180/365

nothing to do but pick up the pieces

and carry on

i'm usually pretty good at finding a silver lining

but i am having a pretty hard time with this one

2.26.09 - 179/365

why is this girl laughing?

because when you've been up for 18 hours
and still haven't done your self portrait
this is what can happen:

i must have grabbed him
posed him
(and squeezed him)
20 times
every 5 seconds
he didn't seem to mind
:D
(he was purring like a motor boat the whole time)

2.25.09 - 178/365

no pictured please

i finally know what to do with these:

this was a group of paintings
that were originally intended for a collaboration with a poet i met on fotolog
i don't know what happened to her
and these paintings didn't fair well in the move
i knew i was going to have to ship them
so i bought a lighter weight stretcher than usual
and the canvas is lighter too
now they are kind of warped
and i hate that
so i am going to recycle the canvas
into my new project....
there's a needle & thread in their future
:)

2.24.09 - 177/365

yesterday,
i was going to post 2 versions of my sp
basically because i liked how the lines in my jacket looked

at the last minute
i deleted it,
it felt redundant

today
i am posting 2
because part of this whole process
(not only the sp project
but the entire process of sharing work)
has to do with editing:
why one image makes it over another,
why one painting get chosen.

it helps for me,
to become conscious of my concerns
of why i make choices

between yesterday & today
i see a pattern
i see that i am choosing between "style" and "content"
yesterday i chose content;
the expression, the emotion, being the compelling factor
today i am going with more formal concerns
the framing and the impact
even though
after a long day
the whole of which i was completely nauseated
i felt more like this

ultimately i suppose
it's about getting both in the same shot
i believe consciously identifying these things
helps you intuitively find them.

2.23.09 - 176/365

yes, i am tired again
but my proposals are finally done

the pussy willows were luminous

2.22.09 - 175/365

spent most of the day on the computer
putting together proposals
not much painting
but as long as i am seeing connections
i feel all right

2.21.09 - 174/365

it was a lot about light today

and about blue

this morning,
when i went to get bananas for breakfast
it was my first time outside in over a day
and these flags were a surprise
as was the blue, blue sky

(my corner has certainly changed in the past 3 years)

then,
in my studio,
it was the first day
with direct sunlight coming in through the skylights...
this has always been a time of great joy for me
when i experience evidence that spring is coming
as i am working
and i have always felt the need to document it
(though it seems that at wooster street this would happen earlier)

and then,
the day ended
with the experience of witnessing the light fade
from the james turrell meeting room
a beautiful meditation on light, space & color

2.20.09 - 173/365

new project & finally feel as if i have a focus in the studio
i don't feel i want to talk about it too much right now
in fact it's called: i have a secret
& no
i am not making hats

2.19.09 - 172/365

10 am and all i want to do is go back to sleep

later that same day...

2.18.09 - 171/365

a man paints with his brains and not with his hands. - michelangelo

prep

&
the making of

2.17.09 - 170/365

there are times when i need to be very quiet,
very still,

this is one of those times

life(s) lesson(s)

and it will be interesting to see how that intersects with this project

2.16.09 - 169/365

swimming upstream today

life as a potato

2.15.09 - 168/365

"some days it's just about putting paint down"

minutes later ...
it's tiny nap time
right on the floor

2.14.09 - 167/365

heart in hand

happy hearts 2 all

2.13.09 - 166/365

had a hard time taking a sp today
that held the remotest interest for me
but in this one i saw me when i was little

and it makes it quite clear
where that dark brooding look comes from

2.12.09 - 165/365

felt tiny
felt like retreating
completely from the world
wasn't planning to do more
than watercolors
and then
even though it was already late
i just dug in
and through retreating
found a way out

2.11.09 - 164/365

it was such a spring like day today
hot in the sun
with the ground soaked in places from melted snow
and crocus's pushing up through the dead leaves
but the light was still low in the sky
and it was bright & harsh

2.9.09 - 163/365

there are some days
when it is literally the 11th hour before i get into the studio
on those days
i am not at my most creative
and i'm usually beat
fortunately. . .
oski is there to keep me company
while i paint

2.9.09 - 162/365

i am starting to remember things,
things about paint,
things about how i feel about paint,
things that paint has told me
and
i am also remembering things from ages ago
i even brought out the glue gun

2.8.09 - 161/365

so,
when you have an epiphany
what do you do with it ?

i am referring to what i wrote yesterday
about how i am self medicating my depression with caffeine
(which i think is fine)
but needing to figure out how to act on the understanding i have gained
(which i think is necessary)
about this downward spiraling

i had a late start in the studio
and had held off on the coffee until i was ready to get to work,
the headache had started
and i was experiencing some frustration
(over a foto i had posted that wasn't contrasty enough)
and i was beginning to descend

beginning to feel i would always make mistakes
beginning to feel it was futile to go forward
beginning to feel that all was lost

now
even though i don't take prescribed medication for my "issues"
i know that if one does,
it is helpful to couple that with therapy
so that you can use the freedom from the depression
to free yourself from the patterns that cause it

i feel it's no different with self-medication
and i feel it would be a waste
if i didn't use the insight i had gained
to modify my behavior.

so
when i witnessed what was going on,
where i was headed,
i stopped,
i put down my brushes,
and took 10 deep breathes,
10 deep breathes in tadasana,
10 deep breathes in mountain pose
it just seemed like the most obvious way to ground myself
to counteract the feelings of becoming unmoored

and i followed the annusara principles:
root the 4 corners of the feet
let the skin drape over the body
hug the muscles to the bone
inner spiral
outer spiral
fill the back body with breath
open the heart
align the ears over the shoulders
stand tall
pull up from the earth
push down into the ground

it worked

and then i took a picture
(not in tadasana)
and then i went back to work:

2.7.09 - 160/365

haven't found a place for george yet
but he still helps me draw

a small happiness: it's a bike day

and a large happiness:
it was a studio day with the caffeine
and without the tears

of course this begs the question
wouldn't it be better to get rid of the cause
instead of avoiding having to deal with the problem?

i am going to have to examine this,
because it is very clear to me
in a very feeling way
that a little bit of caffeine
allows me to encounter the frustration of "not knowing"
(which is a large part of the studio process)
without it being a trigger to start the endless tape loops of:
"how could you not know"
"you will never know"
"you don't know what you are doing"
"you will never be able to do what you want"
"you are doing nothing"
"it is all futile"
"it is all a lie"
"it is all a waste"
"so then, who are you"
and then the resounding emptiness and loss
that is inevitable when following this train of thought

btw: that thought progression, to plummet from mild frustration to despondent grief takes all of 20 seconds

2.6.09 - 159/365

so i did it
after 10 days
(easily 7 of them with headaches)
i had a cup
i was supposed to stay off for 2 weeks
(along with no alcohol, spicy food, tomato sauce, orange juice & mints)
but it wasn't working for me
i was able to quit for about 4 months last year,
(albeit with a great deal of difficulty)
but that was b4 i was back in the studio

i honestly couldn't face another day so distraught
somehow
coffee counteracts that a bit
and even though it was only 3 more days
they are 3 studio days
and i honestly couldn't hack it
not after having waited so long to start working again

and the reality is
if i were to take "something" for my depression
it would most likely have some side effects too
so i'd rather self medicate with caffeine
as long as this weird fluttering thing in my chest isn't heart related

and i am glad to report
i had an easier day of it;
i didn't spend the entire day weeping

2.5.09 - 158/365

i am wondering if there is a split here
between the me in the pictures
and
the me who is taking the pictures

the question comes up again
of what exactly i am doing with this project
and what my intention is by doing it

i started intending to answer these questions through the process
to discover what is important to me
and how to say/convey it

most months i have put a certain set of rules or restrictions in place
to try to give the project more form
to give me something to hit up against
to try to focus my intent

but the overall question remains
is this a personal document
following the conventions of keeping a journal
or
is it a conceptual experiment
that explores from the outside
the similarities/differences
of a person from day to day?

is it about
"me" the subject
or
"me" the maker of the images

does the impact come
from a willingness to confront a piece of one's self in each individual image
day after day
or
does it come from the relationship of the images when viewed as a group

should emotional content take precedence over clever photographic techniques
or
is the emphasis on stylistic concerns and well conceived images

what gets revealed
and where does that revelation happen

is it through the journey of a psychological exploration
that involves an honesty and an integrity
about facing the human condition
using oneself as the subject
or
is it that something evolves out of the process of addressing the same subject matter
day in and day out and the connections that get made between the interaction of the individual images when viewed as a whole

is it subjective or objective
is it personal or conceptual

and if it is personal
how honest, how deep do you go
where do you risk losing your audience
is the audience a concern
can you make something so true that it is compelling
so true that people stay involved
inspite of their desire to turn away

and if it is conceptual
how narrow do you make the boundaries
how high do you set your aesthetic goals
and how willing are you to fail publicly when you can't meet them
day after day

these are the questions that haunt me
these are the questions that i need to be able to answer
if this whole endeavor is to be more than an indulgence
if this whole endeavor is to be more that just a distraction

i think this project strikes a good balance