2.7.09 - 160/365

haven't found a place for george yet
but he still helps me draw

a small happiness: it's a bike day

and a large happiness:
it was a studio day with the caffeine
and without the tears

of course this begs the question
wouldn't it be better to get rid of the cause
instead of avoiding having to deal with the problem?

i am going to have to examine this,
because it is very clear to me
in a very feeling way
that a little bit of caffeine
allows me to encounter the frustration of "not knowing"
(which is a large part of the studio process)
without it being a trigger to start the endless tape loops of:
"how could you not know"
"you will never know"
"you don't know what you are doing"
"you will never be able to do what you want"
"you are doing nothing"
"it is all futile"
"it is all a lie"
"it is all a waste"
"so then, who are you"
and then the resounding emptiness and loss
that is inevitable when following this train of thought

btw: that thought progression, to plummet from mild frustration to despondent grief takes all of 20 seconds