8.31.09 - 365/365

all of a sudden, it came into my head to do a nude for my last 365.
it is one of my studio rules:
"if you think of it, you do it"
(which is exactly how i got into this mess in the first place)
i only have 2 (rules), the other is:
"don't judge the process while you are in it"

and,
since one of the reasons for doing this project
was to confront what it means to become a "woman of a certain age",
this feels appropriate and perhaps even necessary.

as the 365th day got closer,
it became increasingly clear how meaningful this project has been for me
and why it will be so hard to replace...

as many people reading this blog know
(are there many people reading this blog?)
daily practice is the cornerstone of my creative life

at this moment
i am feeling a tremendous pull
a real sense of something ending
something that is valuable to me
that i don't want to lose

i have been trying to identify exactly what that is,
what sets fastforward30years apart from my other daily work;
one factor is the (almost) daily writing (introspection),
but i have always had an outlet for that with my fotolae.
another aspect is that i have been able to incorporate monthly mini-projects
within the context of this larger one
(my favorites being march's diptychs and may's studio drawings)
but i believe
the true significance of this project
lies in using the self as subject matter.

no matter the medium,
i subscribe to the theory
that to produce something of value
requires a deep caring
and a deep connection,
and there are very few things in a person's life
that hold a greater or more meaningful position than the self,
that is why it is said;
all first novels are autobiographical
and
you can't love/trust/care about others
more than you have the capacity for those feelings about yourself

so,
while taking a picture a day is a good exercise
taking a self portrait a day
forces you to continually engage with loaded subject matter.
if you compromise, you compromise yourself
if you take a short cut, you cheat yourself
and you are doing it publicly

i also believe that parameters are good for creativity
and the limits of "self portrait" have some inherent advantages:
for one thing
your subject matter is always available,
where ever you happen to be,
another
is that boredom can be a great motivator for taking risks;
& believe you me, nothing becomes boring more quickly than you
hence a great impetus for pushing boundaries.
and
you can apply just about any approach to the subject:
you can be yourself or you can be other,
you can be deeply personal or coldly objective,
you can create fantasy or describe reality,
you can take a strictly conceptual approach or flow with your emotions...

kind of perfect,
kind of hard to replace,
i have toyed with the idea of keeping it going for another year
and if my medium was solely photography, i might
but i feel i need to take what i've learned and move forward,
tomorrow i will post the next step in this journey

thanks for tuning in
and special thanks to fernando and l3iLL
who have been so generous with their comments and support.

8.30.09 - 364/365

something came together today,
not only was i able to come to some decisions about how to proceed
but i also had a real feeling sense that i am doing the right thing
for my process
and i really felt that the paint was waiting for me
not neglected or stagnate
but just there with me
bubbling below the surface

a little fantasy

8.29.09 - 363/365

today it took me 2 hours to remember that i had switched my hosting account to a linux server
since that's the only way godaddy will parse ssi's
and that because linux is case sensitive
was the reason why certain pages weren't resolving

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

not so interesting i know
but this is where i am at;
a bit sad but true
and
from this perspective
this is what i see
which is also a tad sad
because while i am a beneficiary of the industriousness of spiders
too much of a cobweb build up in the studio
tells a story of neglect

8.28.09 - 362/365

struggling,
struggling,
with upgrading my site
for starters,
it's not going to be as easy to convert all those (100's of) pages as i thought
but it's more than that really
it's that it involves an analysis of my entire process
which is a big and complicated endeavor
but that is what i see as the site's function
and then
the design aspect consumes me
(the same way people get sucked into video games or tv)
and i can't do anything else at the same time
this means paint, eat, sleep, community work
so the rest of my life is crumbling around me
it's very unbalanced...
but it does follow
that with all this self referential activity:
reviewing old projects,
trying to map & make sense of
the twists and turns of my process
that it's all about me today
and because i've been leaving taking these pictures until the end of the day
it's all about the lx3 in low light
it's one of the main reasons i chose this camera
and yet
i haven't been taking advantage it
i do love what it does

8.27.09 - 361/365

i am so consumed by design/programming right now
that i fear the end of this project is getting short changed
but i suppose.
that's (real) life

below
a sign of things to come
from a series i took but never posted
and that's were i am living right now
between what has happened
and what will come

(and remember... you can be part of it too)

8.24.09 - 358/365

a big 365 day no-no
2 days in the row
in the same place.
wearing the same thing,
but that's how it goes sometimes
yes, i went to sleep between this picture and the last;
for about 4 hours
no, i didn't sleep in my clothes
but in a little burst of hopefulness
i do put on my studio clothes every morning
hoping i'll paint a bit
but
once i sit down at the computer
i just don't get up
it's that addictive for me
solving the structural problems
and
at this point of the programming process
i can't find the painting place
the activities are too extremely different:
exploration vs examination,
but i feel that this is about
upgrading my virtual home
(it currently uses frames & doesn't use style sheets)
so that i can really use it as a tool

2 possible captions:
things i don't really take anymore
or
very happy about the low light capability of this camera

8.23.09 - 357/365

another day in front of the computer
and i mean completely in front of the computer
(it's now 4 am)
still building the frame work for my revised site
it's been a long time coming
but it makes me feel secure
to think that i finally will have someplace to put all my projects
it's very parallel to getting my studio to a place where it functions for me
and it also involves going backward
which means there is a lot of stuff that's gotten stirred up

8.22.09 - 356/365

another geek day
a lot of computer
a lot of programming
a lot of problem solving
a lot of what needs to happen for the future

and then
also
things that happened in the past

8.18.09 - 352/365

still thinking about this distinction between
what "is"
and
the experience of it

it is interesting how this pertains to relationships...
when you are involved with someone
be it love, friendship, business, etc,
there is a point of connection
that the relationship gets built on
whether this is very deep
or
somewhat superficial
whether it has developed over a long time
or
disintegrated quickly,
when there is a break/a parting of ways
the tendency is to assume that the other has changed
or to feel a betrayal

but i suspect
that most often than not
it is neither of these things...

i am beginning to see life more in terms of perceptions:
you are on a path for your own reasons
as is the other person
these paths meet and start to intertwine
each assumes that the other shares this path for reasons similar to their own
and while this might be true
to some extent
or
for a period of time
this is often just a projection;
each has their own intention,
they just happen to look the same
in the context of a certain time & place
and that is very seductive
this feeling of "oneness",
of "sharedness"
but if one person veers off
even though they are simply following their own inner voice
it feels is as if they have changed
it is perceived as a betrayal

what is important to do in these moments
is to acknowledge the truth:
you meet someone,
you both like to run,
you both seem obsessed, in the same way
you become running partners,
you meet every day
you are both passionate about the routine
and all of a sudden, your running partner is off doing yoga
did they betray the relationship?
were they any less involved than you?
did something change?
no, no and no
you simply understood this shared experience of running
as a mutual commitment to this one activity
one that would continue
while perhaps for the other,
running was just one of many ways to train physically
while you were on your path to develop a single consistent regime
they were on theirs to develop within as many different disciplines as possible
but for a while the two seemed to be the same

constructs like this
help me to understand life's hurdles objectively
instead of always looking for what was at fault
perhaps it is more productive to shift awareness,
to see things in a different light,
to understand them
(and honor them)
for what they truly are
not what we wanted them to be

new project coming soon let me know if you are interested

8.17.09 - 351/365

while i was spending another day in the "disconnect zone"
i thought about my conversation w/lauren yesterday:
when,
trying to describe where i'm at, i said:

"it's not so much that i've
come out of something
or
gone through something
it's more that i am accepting this part of the journey"

i actually now see that i am on the exact same path as i've been for years
if i look at the work
there is a total continuum;
from 3 years ago
thru
when i was barely working
to
when i started back for real in the studio 7 months ago

(my feelings aside,
the reality is these 7 large canvases didn't just materialize out of thin air
nor did those 8 smaller ones, or the countless watercolors)

what has changed is my perspective
how i choose to look at things,
through what lens
ok,
so maybe it's not "choose"
but this disconnect is just a powerful feeling
about my relationship to to my process,
the process is a separate thing,
continuing,
sometimes, almost in spite of myself

the trick is to manage to keep on going,
day after day,
making the space and time to make things;
that's the process,
how i feel about it is something else

(this was a concept that was always difficult for me to grasp,
when people would say:
"but that's just a feeling"
i would think
"but that's what matters, that's what defines me"
but that's not really true
there is "me"
there is what i do
and
there is how i feel about it
they are 3 separate things
and it's a choice how strongly i identify with any or all of them)

and yes
the way i seem to feel about my process now
is that it is unfamiliar
and that's difficult
but it doesn't really mean very much
as long as i have faith
and keep working

what has changed recently
is my ability to accept this state,
tolerate this p.o.v.
that's all

someone has dinner waiting in the garden

new project coming soon let me know if you are interested

8.16.09 - 350/365

350 down, 15 left to go
had a little creative check in with my bgf
the super smart & funny love coach to the stars; Lauren Frances
(check her out boys & girls if you need a little love Rx)
she gave me an incredible idea
that is going to help me focus
all the loose ends i keep encountering
as i try to understand where to go when this is over

there will be a beta version in the next month or so...
let me know if you are interested

for lauren

& listening to:

8.15.09 - 349/365

this is a real push/pull process
i paint out
i make gestures
i refine
it becomes too...
worked
precious
labored
stiff
and then i have to destroy it
to paint out again
and bring it back

the days when i have to destroy
they can be really difficult
and i have to remember

"When you begin a picture you often make some pretty discoveries. You must be on guard against these. Destroy the thing, do it over several times. In each destroying of a beautiful discovery, the artist does not really suppress it, but rather condenses it, makes it more substantial. What comes out in the end is the result of discarded finds. Otherwise you become your own connoisseur"

- Pablo Picasso

and i also need to go really slow
because there is going to be a point where i have to stop
and i have never been very good at acknowledging that

sidebar

my fotola posts for today really felt like my drawing to me

8.14.09 - 348/365

all of a sudden
almost in spite of myself
there's a body of work
developing in the studio
and it does seem to have come from somewhere
tho,
i still don't quite understand
what's going on
but
i am kind of getting used to that

and still haven't figured out
why i am tracking this painting here
and if not here
where?

i suppose this is another question that needs to get addressed
by the end of the month

series so far

8.13.09 - 347/365

thinking a lot about my place in this world
and going forward
especially with my daily practice
and my blogs, etc.

what are the things about posting images that are important to me?
and what are not?

after this project ends
what structure will replace it?

sometimes my camera gets set accidentally on 3:2 or 16:9

and i don't post these
not on flickr, nor on fotola
because it makes the grid pages all uneven
and i hate that
(notice, no verticals either)

but there is something nice about them
when they happen
and it is in that space
in between
the need for order
and
the love of the accidental
that i need to play

it is the place between
structure
and
discovery

it is being able to balance
a desire for measurement and evaluation
with
the necessity of jumping off the cliff

i knew i was going to confront this in august
and now,
with 347 of 365 days gone
it's time...

8.12.09 - 346/365

there are places you belong
and places you don't
so why try to force things?

8.11.09 - 345/365

there is still so much to catch up with
and it feels as if i have been away for ages
but it is such a relief to be home

(and yes,
those little red dots
are tomatoes
:D )

8.5.09 - 339/365

it seemed like a good idea at the time
but honestly,
not so brilliant

so yes,
rough again today
i had high hopes
i had bought new muslin to work with
i thought that would provide the thread
instead it kind of broke it
(no pun intended)

{sigh}

series so far

8.4.09 - 338/365

it's what i saw tonite
it's just what i saw

continuing with this new wip project

so the first step is white
make a blank canvas
so that i can begin to draw

series so far

8.3.09 - 337/365

just felt like it

8.2.09 - 336/365

it grew so dark
in the middle of the day
and it rained
and rained
and rained
seemingly
endlessly

i don't know where else to put this
i think it's part of a new project
that hasn't quite formed yet
so it goes here for now

even though this painting was started in my new studio
it is old work
and i am through with this for now
there are aspects of it that i love
but i see those things in too many other places
i used to like that
i used to find it a confirmation
as if i was tapping into a pulse
hooking into the collective
but i don't feel this way anymore
i feel it has become a way of seeing
a language
a response
that is no longer new
and
is rather obvious

i am looking for a new language
or
a new vocabulary
i am not comfortable with what i am finding
in fact
i am so uncomfortable
that each day i come into the studio
i have to start from scratch
retrace my steps
to find the thread of continuity
it's like having to start at the beginning of a book
each time you sit down to read
eventually you can skim those first chapters
because they are
after all
familiar
and perhaps it is just that
that continual repitition
that allows you to own it

but anyway
as i was on my way to saying
i am not comfortable with this new language
even though it is unquestionably mine
i have been using it for as long as i can remember
if i look around the studio
it is in the watercolors
the doodles
the oils
large & small
but i am not comfortable
yet i have no choice

so this painting
let's see
how it transforms
into the present
from where it started
as if it was 3 years ago

series so far