6.8.09 - 281/365

relearning slowly
the nuances of it all
the gross behavior i remembered
making time to work,
turning paintings upside down,
new materials
all the things that are necessary to create studio space,
both physical and psychological

but it's so much subtler than that:
it's not just clearing time;
it's actually not caring that you are leaving certain things undone,
it's not just about looking at things differently;
it's allowing yourself to respond differently,
it's not just about new materials being fun and exciting;
it's about being able to understand their limitations and find the answers through that

and all of this really comes down to one thing...
following the tiny, fragile thread of that voice

if you think of it that way
that this process is like trying to roll a ball of yarn;
sometimes it is smooth sailing
and that ball grows
becoming more dense
more undeniable
with each layer

as you work
you might hit a tangle
sometimes small
sometimes large
that requires patience & skill,
trial & error,
understanding & determination
to work through

but sometimes you hit a point
where the yarn has been unevenly spun
and it dwindles down to nothing
to the thinnest of threads
that threatens to snap
or just disappear
at any moment

this is where i've been
trying to keep the thread intact
feeling that it's broken many times
because it's become so
impossibly, impossibly thin
this part requires
trust,
faith,
belief
and is plagued with
despair,
doubt,
& hopelessness

but eventually
and there is no telling how long that will be
the thread becomes imperceptibly stronger
less likely to give way
and the rhythm becomes more familiar again

nothing is sure
the thread becomes thinner again at any moment
but maybe less frequently
or maybe not quite so perilously so
sometimes it requires pretending to hear things
that may or may not be there
somehow this believing
strengthens the whole process

so that's where i am
at that threshold
where the thread keeps getting
thinner & thicker
but each time
a little less likely to break
and a little more workable

and it's up to me to be
as gentle
as slow
and
as attentive
as the situation requires

i keep catching glimpses
they keep disappearing
i keep pretending they don't