6.30.09 - 303/365

i read something the other day
which was a real confirmation for me

part of my desire for isolation
comes from needing to shield myself from being labeled as "other"
from being told i look at things from the dark side
when i feel i am just being realistic,
from hearing that i just see the glass as half empty
when i believe i can find a silver lining more consistently than most
from the reaction to my self portraits as being depressing
when they are simply me

it is just as important for me
to be able to believe in the structures that i have put in place
to support my work
as it is for me to not listen to doubters,
so coming across something
that wholly supports my idea of process
is of great value.

6.29.09 - 302/365

there was a fire up the street from me
when i saw the flames coming out of the building
it made me cry...
so much loss

6.28.09 - 301/365

took a day trip today
it was supposed to be an art excursion
but it was the first day of real sun in ages
and i couldn't bare to spend it inside
so we rode around the island instead

6.27.09 - 300/365

i am getting very annoyed
by precious & earnest
i am not sure what this says about me

6.26.09 - 299/365

when i get hungry
i can go out in the garden and pick peas
most of them are still sweet
though some have been on the vine too long
it only takes about 10 minutes
for the mosquitoes to descend
and start devouring me
within 15 minutes i am a mass of welts
and it's time to go inside
but no matter how quickly i open & close the screen door
one always gets in with me

6.25.09 - 298/365

i put a ring on the other day
one i wore
every day
for years
it feels heavy and cumbersome
these kind of things never bothered me before
now i notice them

6.24.09 - 297/365

i know it's 2 steps forward
and one back
just wasn't ready for that so soon
i am sure it will be easier this time
to find myself
but right now
that's not much of a comfort

6.23.09 - 296/365

it's always hard to return to myself
after i have been so public
i think i gave a successful presentation this afternoon
but i m not sure at what price to me...

he misses me when i am gone all day
and he misses being out in the garden

and for linus
who seems to want a full blown smile

6.22.09 - 295/365

i hate days
that are supposed to be studio days
and i never get into
my studio clothes...

i am supposed to be easing up
on the community stuff
but letting go
(and turning a blind eye)
can be tough

6.21.09 - 294/365

so this was it
the summer solstice
the longest day of the year
and at 5 pm i need the lights on in the studio
it's sad to me
that now the days get shorter
and with all the rain this spring
we never got to have the experience of them lengthening
it's my absolutely favorite part of the year
and it didn't happen

the burdock and the arugula are going nuts
the tomatoes, eggplants, peppers, broccoli and peas would love a little sun
the mosquitoes are in heaven

6.20.09 - 293/365

trying to figure out whether or not to go back to being public on flickr
i am very conflicted

a little tech sidebar
using the different aspect ratios on my camera
hadn't played with these before

6.19.09 - 292/365

i have
for a long time,
wanted to get the spontaneity of my watercolor work
into the oil paintings
over the years i have developed many projects
to address this
early on with the wip project
and most recently with random thoughts

this new work,
this painting over
making marks
and painting over
seems to be a continuation of this search
all of a sudden
seen in this context
this process starts to feel grounded,
connected to previous explorations

6.18.09 - 291/365

on my way to work...3

6.17.09 - 290/365

finally
finally
finally
even though everything is most definitely not put away
it is off the studio floor
and i can actually experience
the full width of the room
it's a vast improvement
the space feels so much better;
i no longer feel as if i am painting in a corridor
we'll see what happens next...

the starting point of this video
is from a little "office" area that i have for my work station/scanner/printers/books/etc.
then one goes down 2 steps to the main part of the studio,
there's a slop sink to the left and to the right, beyond that railing
are steps to the basement where i have studio storage.

directly in front of the steps to the main part of the studio
is where i now do my daily watercolor project;
i used to have this set up towards the back
on the left wall
but that made the main studio space
way too narrow
putting it here is the only way i could get the full width of the studio to paint in.

ahead is oski on the floor
and my garden out the back
the very white paintings along the south wall
are no longer so white
but you never know
tomorrow they might be white again.

earlier this month

6.16.09 - 289/365

omg
i've been a very lazy girl...
i capture every image both as a raw file and a jpg
and
under decent lighting conditions, the jpg is pretty good
but if it's dark
or the white balance is screwy
you really need to pull from the raw to get results
the problem is
photoshop & lightroom can't handle the lx3's files yet
so i need to convert to a dng first
and i get lazy
and i just adjust the jpg
and the snap looks like crap
and i shouldn't do that
honestly,
this is the best i could do with the jpg:

now,
even if you like the effect of the bottom image better,
you have the option to get there from the top
but
you'll never pull the continuous tones you get in the top image
from the bottom one

6.15.09 - 288/365

made great progress today in rearranging the studio
this is the only random thought that i've left out
surprisingly, even though the random thoughts
continued throughout the renovation
once i started working steadily in the studio
i lost connection with them as well
so they are away for now
i am not sure what my next steps will be
there is still more cleaning up/putting away to do

6.14.09 - 287/365

i am pretty sure this doesn't look how i feel
quite honestly my paintings don't usually look how i feel either

so
just for the record
i am happy & excited about the changes i am making in the studio
i do feel
it's going to feel
more like what i need

6.13.09 - 286/365

nina the destroyer

it was an old project, a group of 16 12x12" encaustics
that really never worked
from a time when things weren't working
they were supposed to be a "song"
but it never "sang", the work just wasn't that good
it was only the saudedes of it all
that made me hold on to them
always thinking
that at the very least
they could be a base for something else

but no longer;
it was suggested to me
by my dear friend and accomplished artist: lisa
that one answer to finding my way back
might be to start at the beginning
with a clean slate

so i am going to try this,
try to put away the past,
put away all the things i brought out
to try to make my space familiar
to try to feel "at home"

and i am going to put away
the unfinished work
the unfinished projects
that i was hoping would jump start me into working again
it's a bit of a challenge
because some things that i am working on
truly are new
and need to stay

and it's a bit daunting
the thought of packing up
and putting away
all the stuff it took so long
to unpack
and have back in my life
but i know
that if you want things to changes
you have to change how you do things....

6.12.09 - 285/365

how do you take a picture
when there is nothing there?

6.11.09 - 284/365

so first off
i hate vertical
but i was thinking about how i don't think i will ever see myself as beautiful again
and then i took this picture
and thought
wow, that's perfect
it's not going to get much worse than this
but
of course
it does

and i took this
which totally cracked me up

6.10.09 - 283/365

this is a strangely significant photo...
always,
since i have been taking pictures
i see myself in a moment
and want to take a picture of it
meaning
i want to take a picture
where the subject is the moment

i remember this countless times,
like
being in the bath
with the water running over my feet
or seeing just the tips of my toes
floating above the water line...

somehow,
this is one of those pictures

6.9.09 - 282/365

this weather is bumming me out
i hate when this happens
one of my favorite things in life
is the experience of the days getting longer
in may % june
but it's been raining for the past 2 months
so it's been impossible to enjoy that
now there are 11 days left
until they get shorter again
this depresses me
i feel gypped

6.8.09 - 281/365

relearning slowly
the nuances of it all
the gross behavior i remembered
making time to work,
turning paintings upside down,
new materials
all the things that are necessary to create studio space,
both physical and psychological

but it's so much subtler than that:
it's not just clearing time;
it's actually not caring that you are leaving certain things undone,
it's not just about looking at things differently;
it's allowing yourself to respond differently,
it's not just about new materials being fun and exciting;
it's about being able to understand their limitations and find the answers through that

and all of this really comes down to one thing...
following the tiny, fragile thread of that voice

if you think of it that way
that this process is like trying to roll a ball of yarn;
sometimes it is smooth sailing
and that ball grows
becoming more dense
more undeniable
with each layer

as you work
you might hit a tangle
sometimes small
sometimes large
that requires patience & skill,
trial & error,
understanding & determination
to work through

but sometimes you hit a point
where the yarn has been unevenly spun
and it dwindles down to nothing
to the thinnest of threads
that threatens to snap
or just disappear
at any moment

this is where i've been
trying to keep the thread intact
feeling that it's broken many times
because it's become so
impossibly, impossibly thin
this part requires
trust,
faith,
belief
and is plagued with
despair,
doubt,
& hopelessness

but eventually
and there is no telling how long that will be
the thread becomes imperceptibly stronger
less likely to give way
and the rhythm becomes more familiar again

nothing is sure
the thread becomes thinner again at any moment
but maybe less frequently
or maybe not quite so perilously so
sometimes it requires pretending to hear things
that may or may not be there
somehow this believing
strengthens the whole process

so that's where i am
at that threshold
where the thread keeps getting
thinner & thicker
but each time
a little less likely to break
and a little more workable

and it's up to me to be
as gentle
as slow
and
as attentive
as the situation requires

i keep catching glimpses
they keep disappearing
i keep pretending they don't

6.7.09 - 280/365

honestly
this is exactly what i saw
when i took it

6.6.09 - 279/365

i swear
i am going to figure this out
i know what the answer is
it has to flow from the inside out
and too many things in my life
are still precipitated by the outside

6.5.09 - 278/365

a wee smile 4 U
happy birthday fernando
to have had a friendship for so long
one that is so close
with only the chance to meet
thru heart & eyes & mind & soul
is truly a treasure
ilu
yr dada princess
gata

6.4.09 - 277/365

ahhhhhhhhhh
now this is more like it
;D

6.3.09 - 276/365

so,
i am teaching a one day workshop at the children's museum next fall
and they wanted a picture of me
so i sent them this (from 3/18):



but that didn't go over so well
they wanted: "more of a headshot and more upbeat to advertise this FUN program"
so i took this...
now truth be told
when other people take pictures of me
this is the face i put on
so it's not exactly true when i say i never smile in pictures
i do, all the time
but i don't smile in portraits

6.2.09 - 275/365

maybe cleaning the mirror would be a good idea?

6-1.09 - 274/365

after really becoming bored with the whole sp process in may
i ended up liking how the month in its totality turned out on flickr;
the photos
(which varied in approach
from dead on and dour
to
body parts
when i couldn't face my face again)
interspersed with the drawings, all from the same pov
created a sequence that i like

sidebar
and i found it curious that for the 4 days i was away
it worked much better to use the landscapes that i made
than to substitute late april's drawings that were part of the series
i would have thought having the continuity of form would have been more effective
but the reality is you could tell they were out of order

this is why i do these daily projects
and stick with them even though they hit tough spots
it's to gain a feeling sense of process
and to reinforce my belief that inherent within it
lies a magic
even if it's just the magic of discovery

there is no playing this game without that belief
there is no playing this game without boredom, frustration & doubt
there is no playing this game without a deeply learned understanding
that there is a rightness to the difficulties
not a wrongness

i almost dropped this project several times
but i am stubborn
and this is the
(albeit tiny)
reward for having stuck with it

the affirmation that simply sticking with it
simply riding out the tough times
can result in some interesting finds
even when it feels as if
one is doing nothing but contemplating one's navel