2.7.09 - 160/365

haven't found a place for george yet
but he still helps me draw

a small happiness: it's a bike day

and a large happiness:
it was a studio day with the caffeine
and without the tears

of course this begs the question
wouldn't it be better to get rid of the cause
instead of avoiding having to deal with the problem?

i am going to have to examine this,
because it is very clear to me
in a very feeling way
that a little bit of caffeine
allows me to encounter the frustration of "not knowing"
(which is a large part of the studio process)
without it being a trigger to start the endless tape loops of:
"how could you not know"
"you will never know"
"you don't know what you are doing"
"you will never be able to do what you want"
"you are doing nothing"
"it is all futile"
"it is all a lie"
"it is all a waste"
"so then, who are you"
and then the resounding emptiness and loss
that is inevitable when following this train of thought

btw: that thought progression, to plummet from mild frustration to despondent grief takes all of 20 seconds

2.6.09 - 159/365

so i did it
after 10 days
(easily 7 of them with headaches)
i had a cup
i was supposed to stay off for 2 weeks
(along with no alcohol, spicy food, tomato sauce, orange juice & mints)
but it wasn't working for me
i was able to quit for about 4 months last year,
(albeit with a great deal of difficulty)
but that was b4 i was back in the studio

i honestly couldn't face another day so distraught
somehow
coffee counteracts that a bit
and even though it was only 3 more days
they are 3 studio days
and i honestly couldn't hack it
not after having waited so long to start working again

and the reality is
if i were to take "something" for my depression
it would most likely have some side effects too
so i'd rather self medicate with caffeine
as long as this weird fluttering thing in my chest isn't heart related

and i am glad to report
i had an easier day of it;
i didn't spend the entire day weeping

2.5.09 - 158/365

i am wondering if there is a split here
between the me in the pictures
and
the me who is taking the pictures

the question comes up again
of what exactly i am doing with this project
and what my intention is by doing it

i started intending to answer these questions through the process
to discover what is important to me
and how to say/convey it

most months i have put a certain set of rules or restrictions in place
to try to give the project more form
to give me something to hit up against
to try to focus my intent

but the overall question remains
is this a personal document
following the conventions of keeping a journal
or
is it a conceptual experiment
that explores from the outside
the similarities/differences
of a person from day to day?

is it about
"me" the subject
or
"me" the maker of the images

does the impact come
from a willingness to confront a piece of one's self in each individual image
day after day
or
does it come from the relationship of the images when viewed as a group

should emotional content take precedence over clever photographic techniques
or
is the emphasis on stylistic concerns and well conceived images

what gets revealed
and where does that revelation happen

is it through the journey of a psychological exploration
that involves an honesty and an integrity
about facing the human condition
using oneself as the subject
or
is it that something evolves out of the process of addressing the same subject matter
day in and day out and the connections that get made between the interaction of the individual images when viewed as a whole

is it subjective or objective
is it personal or conceptual

and if it is personal
how honest, how deep do you go
where do you risk losing your audience
is the audience a concern
can you make something so true that it is compelling
so true that people stay involved
inspite of their desire to turn away

and if it is conceptual
how narrow do you make the boundaries
how high do you set your aesthetic goals
and how willing are you to fail publicly when you can't meet them
day after day

these are the questions that haunt me
these are the questions that i need to be able to answer
if this whole endeavor is to be more than an indulgence
if this whole endeavor is to be more that just a distraction

i think this project strikes a good balance

2.4.09 - 157/365

ok
it's really a squid

some days you need a diversion
today it was fgr & octopus on yo head

outake:
my self timer is acting up again

2.3.09 - 156/365

Who are you? What are you? What makes you you? What is yours? To what do you belong?...

i say it's all about the paint
that if it isn't my highest priority
i shouldn't be doing it,
that it defines me,
that without it. "i" cease to exist
that this could possibly not be true
has caused me a great deal of distress lately

(for fgr & i am, iam)

had a hard time choosing an image again
i seem to get torn between what i like as an image
or what i want my images to "say"
and
what works best with my concept of self portrait
or creates more of a flow for the series as a whole...
this was the other choice for today:

and this one...
well, i don't normally do cut outs
i think they are a bit hokey
but sh*t happens

2.2.09 - 155/365

for fgr & poke at it w/a stick

something i actually spend a lot of time doing . . .
the "stick" is an ancient brush
its bristles long gone
i use the ferrule to scratch through the paint
sometimes it leaves a dark line
as well as a gauge.

i have to say i am a little surprised at the lack of response on flickr
to yesterday's snap.
i thought it was so clever
but nobody seemed to get it
(you know,
the shadow of me
taking the picture of me)
or maybe
it isn't really that interesting

i guess i am just a little out of sorts
because i don't have a "project" for this month's self portraits
and i am having a lot of trouble deciding between images
(for example, i couldn't decide where to put the image below
here or swap it out with this on flickr)
maybe it all has to do with what i wrote here today...

2.1.09 - 154/365

meta me

i had something different planned for this month

but at the 11th hour

(actually the 13th)

i changed my mind
it was going to be diptychs, but i am not quite ready to undertake that right now

even though i do like to have a little project to define each month...

on another note, look who i met today . . .

rowan at 3 weeks
i got very close to tears being around him