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2 parallel journals, updated every day | ||
 daily bread |
 the other side |
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i was having a lot of those "failure" feelings
but i did start
and it did go somewhere
and there was a sense of (tenuous) connection
and that's what i have to try to hold on to
and there are some pictures
that i still don't feel able
to post freely
because of the resonance they have
i don't know
if snapping a pic of yourslf every day
actually qualifies as taking self portraits
but it's all i've got right now...
sidebar:
and what do you think it is about this
that makes it a magnet for asian porn posts
(before it achieved cult status)
i read & followed
(at least as far as the morning pages went)
the artist's way
it's where my daily water colors came from
i just started reading twyla tharp's
the creative habit
you know that any book that says
that the real secret is to creativity
"doing it every day"
is going to work for me
:)
i know a lot of what she is writing about
but it's a good
(and much needed)
affirmation right now
it's a slow process
i am not encountering the angst of the past
but i am not sure exactly what i am tapping into
i feel as if i am speaking
in a anguage that i don't understand
it's ok
listening to: dead weather
my time feels more expansive
seems obvious
but what maybe is not so apparent
is that when i don't feel the limits
i don't have to fight so hard to protect what i see as vulnerable
and i don't have to worry that i won't have enough time
this allows me more freedom
freedom to even relax
when i am on my own
without ANY obligations
i can drift from one thing to another
and then back again
without worrying that i will be stopped mid stream
with something left undone
and i can put the bothersome things
way
way
in the back of my mind
let them slip through the cracks if they like
(something always does
anyway)
i can't do that
if there is an outside presence
a constant reminder
that
shoulds/shouldn'ts
coulds/couldn'ts
exist in the world
because then
i feel the need
to work every single second
least i squander some precious time
and that just isn't realistic
i made her birthday 7/15
(since i have no way of knowing when it really is)
i was born 52.5 years ago
the 15th has always felt significant
my bro is may, my nana was march
and
3 years ago
i moved
i don't remember very much of the day
but i do remember that first night
in that interim apartment
with the cats totally traumatized
(they didn't come out for days)
and the only thing going through my head was
where am i???
it's not just the time i spend doing activities outside the studio
it's the time it takes me to transition between the head spaces each entails
the community work is really a killer in this regard
yes, the meetings, the letter writing, the website & the administrative work all take up (lots) of time
but the person i need to be to do this work and the energy level it entails
is the antithesis of who i am in the studio.
the environment of community work is charged with adrenalin, emotion, anger and extreme passion, it is loud & noisy and i become bullheaded, bossy and idealistic
going from this environment to the studio
is like leaving a firing range and then trying to hear a pin drop
or going from bright, bright light into a dark room and trying to see
it is physically impossible
it takes time to adjust
and there is no way of knowing how long it will take
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
by Derek Walcott
(Nobel Prize for Literature in 1992)
