5.11.09 - 253/365

the simple reality is
that this is excruciating
it has been 4 months of trying
there were moments when i thought i had connected
but there simply have not been enough
i do everything that i know how
i work every day
i try to meditate and practice a tiny bit of yoga every day
i tried giving up a lot of my on-line obligations
i have made space for the garden
i have cut back on my community activities
i am reading for inspiration/enlightenment
i am taking fish oil & st. john's wort
i turn my paintings around
i paint them out
i sit and i look
i simply don't know what else to do
and it frightens me beyond belief