fast forward 30 years

to be continued

2009-09-01T23:30:00.001-04:00

i am not altogether sure what will happen with this blog
but for now i am continuing daily posts on "from the studio"
which resides on the home page of my site.
this is in preparation for a completely new project,
coming soon.

i am also posting again on random thoughts

recap

2009-09-01T23:00:00.001-04:00

below are 2 slide shows of my past 365 days on flickr where this project originated.
the first is all the self portraits: 365 days of me
below that are what i call the "interface" images;
because of various structural/conceptual/visual concerns,
each day in addition to a self portrait,
i posted an image to act as buffer.

8.31.09 - 365/365

2009-08-31T23:02:00.000-04:00

all of a sudden, it came into my head to do a nude for my last 365.
it is one of my studio rules:
"if you think of it, you do it"
(which is exactly how i got into this mess in the first place)
i only have 2 (rules), the other is:
"don't judge the process while you are in it"

and,
since one of the reasons for doing this project
was to confront what it means to become a "woman of a certain age",
this feels appropriate and perhaps even necessary.

as the 365th day got closer,
it became increasingly clear how meaningful this project has been for me
and why it will be so hard to replace...

as many people reading this blog know
(are there many people reading this blog?)
daily practice is the cornerstone of my creative life

at this moment
i am feeling a tremendous pull
a real sense of something ending
something that is valuable to me
that i don't want to lose

i have been trying to identify exactly what that is,
what sets fastforward30years apart from my other daily work;
one factor is the (almost) daily writing (introspection),
but i have always had an outlet for that with my fotolae.
another aspect is that i have been able to incorporate monthly mini-projects
within the context of this larger one
(my favorites being march's diptychs and may's studio drawings)
but i believe
the true significance of this project
lies in using the self as subject matter.

no matter the medium,
i subscribe to the theory
that to produce something of value
requires a deep caring
and a deep connection,
and there are very few things in a person's life
that hold a greater or more meaningful position than the self,
that is why it is said;
all first novels are autobiographical
and
you can't love/trust/care about others
more than you have the capacity for those feelings about yourself

so,
while taking a picture a day is a good exercise
taking a self portrait a day
forces you to continually engage with loaded subject matter.
if you compromise, you compromise yourself
if you take a short cut, you cheat yourself
and you are doing it publicly

i also believe that parameters are good for creativity
and the limits of "self portrait" have some inherent advantages:
for one thing
your subject matter is always available,
where ever you happen to be,
another
is that boredom can be a great motivator for taking risks;
& believe you me, nothing becomes boring more quickly than you
hence a great impetus for pushing boundaries.
and
you can apply just about any approach to the subject:
you can be yourself or you can be other,
you can be deeply personal or coldly objective,
you can create fantasy or describe reality,
you can take a strictly conceptual approach or flow with your emotions...

kind of perfect,
kind of hard to replace,
i have toyed with the idea of keeping it going for another year
and if my medium was solely photography, i might
but i feel i need to take what i've learned and move forward,
tomorrow i will post the next step in this journey

thanks for tuning in
and special thanks to fernando and l3iLL
who have been so generous with their comments and support.

8.30.09 - 364/365

2009-08-30T23:01:00.006-04:00

something came together today,
not only was i able to come to some decisions about how to proceed
but i also had a real feeling sense that i am doing the right thing
for my process
and i really felt that the paint was waiting for me
not neglected or stagnate
but just there with me
bubbling below the surface

a little fantasy

8.29.09 - 363/365

2009-08-29T23:43:00.005-04:00

today it took me 2 hours to remember that i had switched my hosting account to a linux server
since that's the only way godaddy will parse ssi's
and that because linux is case sensitive
was the reason why certain pages weren't resolving

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

not so interesting i know
but this is where i am at;
a bit sad but true
and
from this perspective
this is what i see
which is also a tad sad
because while i am a beneficiary of the industriousness of spiders
too much of a cobweb build up in the studio
tells a story of neglect

8.28.09 - 362/365

2009-08-28T23:27:00.006-04:00

struggling,
struggling,
with upgrading my site
for starters,
it's not going to be as easy to convert all those (100's of) pages as i thought
but it's more than that really
it's that it involves an analysis of my entire process
which is a big and complicated endeavor
but that is what i see as the site's function
and then
the design aspect consumes me
(the same way people get sucked into video games or tv)
and i can't do anything else at the same time
this means paint, eat, sleep, community work
so the rest of my life is crumbling around me
it's very unbalanced...
but it does follow
that with all this self referential activity:
reviewing old projects,
trying to map & make sense of
the twists and turns of my process
that it's all about me today
and because i've been leaving taking these pictures until the end of the day
it's all about the lx3 in low light
it's one of the main reasons i chose this camera
and yet
i haven't been taking advantage it
i do love what it does

8.27.09 - 361/365

2009-08-27T23:15:00.004-04:00

i am so consumed by design/programming right now
that i fear the end of this project is getting short changed
but i suppose.
that's (real) life

below
a sign of things to come
from a series i took but never posted
and that's were i am living right now
between what has happened
and what will come

(and remember... you can be part of it too)

8.26.09 - 360/365

2009-08-26T21:14:00.005-04:00

i like these meta portraits
the endless self referential loop...
fitting because august was meant to be about evaluating all daily process
so that i can make some decisions about going forward
well,
i am still not clear...

i can't keep taking these pictures of myself
(at least i don't think i can)
but there is an aspect of it that's working
since it is very different from saying:
"i will take a picture a day"
with a self portrait project you are guaranteed 2 things:
1. access to the same subject matter each day
2. subject matter with which you have an intimate connection
this is hard to duplicate

there are also other questions that i have to answer like:

which blogs to continue & how do they overlap?
during this time i have stopped posting on random thoughts
even without that pressure
i sometimes feel that it is too much
to create compelling material each day
for both this blog and my 2 fotolae

and
am i more comfortable with...?
a strict photoblog like random thoughts
or
with a more traditional blog format like this where i write as well

and
what to do about my daily watercolor project?
do i continue with the same 5 journals which are becoming unwieldy
or
do i create some new format for it

and
what about my website overhaul?
am i just upgrading the infrastructure:
adding style sheets,
getting rid of the frames architecture,
making it more inviting to update
or
am i also giving it a stylistic overhaul
going for a lighter, more airy, stripped down approach?

these are a lot of questions to answer in 5 days...

8.25.09 - 357/365

2009-08-25T23:42:00.003-04:00

so, i thought i should do one more for fgr before this thing comes to a close
i think the point of this group (the anti penguin domination league ) is weirdness
this wasn't what i had originally intended
but getting out of this garment kind of fit the bill

& the not so weird ones:

8.24.09 - 358/365

2009-08-24T20:28:00.005-04:00

a big 365 day no-no
2 days in the row
in the same place.
wearing the same thing,
but that's how it goes sometimes
yes, i went to sleep between this picture and the last;
for about 4 hours
no, i didn't sleep in my clothes
but in a little burst of hopefulness
i do put on my studio clothes every morning
hoping i'll paint a bit
but
once i sit down at the computer
i just don't get up
it's that addictive for me
solving the structural problems
and
at this point of the programming process
i can't find the painting place
the activities are too extremely different:
exploration vs examination,
but i feel that this is about
upgrading my virtual home
(it currently uses frames & doesn't use style sheets)
so that i can really use it as a tool

2 possible captions:
things i don't really take anymore
or
very happy about the low light capability of this camera

8.23.09 - 357/365

2009-08-23T23:38:00.001-04:00

another day in front of the computer
and i mean completely in front of the computer
(it's now 4 am)
still building the frame work for my revised site
it's been a long time coming
but it makes me feel secure
to think that i finally will have someplace to put all my projects
it's very parallel to getting my studio to a place where it functions for me
and it also involves going backward
which means there is a lot of stuff that's gotten stirred up

8.22.09 - 356/365

2009-08-22T23:07:00.003-04:00

another geek day
a lot of computer
a lot of programming
a lot of problem solving
a lot of what needs to happen for the future

and then
also
things that happened in the past

8.21.09 - 355/365

2009-08-21T22:46:00.004-04:00

went in to town this morning to the union square farm market
i have to be honest,
even though i am grateful to have a great greenmarket at grand army plaza,
there is nothing like the one at union square;
the variety is amazing
and after a cool rainy summer,
there has finally been enough heat and sun
to produce summer's bounty

8.20.09 - 354/365

2009-08-20T23:37:00.002-04:00

on the manhattan bridge
on my bike
on my way to work
and
it's pushing 90°

on days like this
i go into granny gear
for the uphill part of the bridge

8.19.09 - 353/365

2009-08-19T22:50:00.004-04:00

geek day today
no oil, just working on revamping my website
trying to figure out how to make this new thing (if you're interested) go forward

this stage of the WIP project is from monday,
usually by now in the process, i proceed intuitively from one day to the next;
the painting tells me what to do
but at this moment,
every day that i want to work
requires a journey to the place where i can hear that voice
just being in the studio doesn't do it
there is a whole internal realignment that has to happen
and that part isn't fluid yet;
each day it is still a struggle,
and that's just where i am at

8.18.09 - 352/365

2009-08-18T20:05:00.010-04:00

still thinking about this distinction between
what "is"
and
the experience of it

it is interesting how this pertains to relationships...
when you are involved with someone
be it love, friendship, business, etc,
there is a point of connection
that the relationship gets built on
whether this is very deep
or
somewhat superficial
whether it has developed over a long time
or
disintegrated quickly,
when there is a break/a parting of ways
the tendency is to assume that the other has changed
or to feel a betrayal

but i suspect
that most often than not
it is neither of these things...

i am beginning to see life more in terms of perceptions:
you are on a path for your own reasons
as is the other person
these paths meet and start to intertwine
each assumes that the other shares this path for reasons similar to their own
and while this might be true
to some extent
or
for a period of time
this is often just a projection;
each has their own intention,
they just happen to look the same
in the context of a certain time & place
and that is very seductive
this feeling of "oneness",
of "sharedness"
but if one person veers off
even though they are simply following their own inner voice
it feels is as if they have changed
it is perceived as a betrayal

what is important to do in these moments
is to acknowledge the truth:
you meet someone,
you both like to run,
you both seem obsessed, in the same way
you become running partners,
you meet every day
you are both passionate about the routine
and all of a sudden, your running partner is off doing yoga
did they betray the relationship?
were they any less involved than you?
did something change?
no, no and no
you simply understood this shared experience of running
as a mutual commitment to this one activity
one that would continue
while perhaps for the other,
running was just one of many ways to train physically
while you were on your path to develop a single consistent regime
they were on theirs to develop within as many different disciplines as possible
but for a while the two seemed to be the same

constructs like this
help me to understand life's hurdles objectively
instead of always looking for what was at fault
perhaps it is more productive to shift awareness,
to see things in a different light,
to understand them
(and honor them)
for what they truly are
not what we wanted them to be

new project coming soon let me know if you are interested

8.17.09 - 351/365

2009-08-17T18:30:00.011-04:00

while i was spending another day in the "disconnect zone"
i thought about my conversation w/lauren yesterday:
when,
trying to describe where i'm at, i said:

"it's not so much that i've
come out of something
or
gone through something
it's more that i am accepting this part of the journey"

i actually now see that i am on the exact same path as i've been for years
if i look at the work
there is a total continuum;
from 3 years ago
thru
when i was barely working
to
when i started back for real in the studio 7 months ago

(my feelings aside,
the reality is these 7 large canvases didn't just materialize out of thin air
nor did those 8 smaller ones, or the countless watercolors)

what has changed is my perspective
how i choose to look at things,
through what lens
ok,
so maybe it's not "choose"
but this disconnect is just a powerful feeling
about my relationship to to my process,
the process is a separate thing,
continuing,
sometimes, almost in spite of myself

the trick is to manage to keep on going,
day after day,
making the space and time to make things;
that's the process,
how i feel about it is something else

(this was a concept that was always difficult for me to grasp,
when people would say:
"but that's just a feeling"
i would think
"but that's what matters, that's what defines me"
but that's not really true
there is "me"
there is what i do
and
there is how i feel about it
they are 3 separate things
and it's a choice how strongly i identify with any or all of them)

and yes
the way i seem to feel about my process now
is that it is unfamiliar
and that's difficult
but it doesn't really mean very much
as long as i have faith
and keep working

what has changed recently
is my ability to accept this state,
tolerate this p.o.v.
that's all

someone has dinner waiting in the garden

new project coming soon let me know if you are interested

8.16.09 - 350/365

2009-08-16T21:10:00.011-04:00

350 down, 15 left to go
had a little creative check in with my bgf
the super smart & funny love coach to the stars; Lauren Frances
(check her out boys & girls if you need a little love Rx)
she gave me an incredible idea
that is going to help me focus
all the loose ends i keep encountering
as i try to understand where to go when this is over

there will be a beta version in the next month or so...
let me know if you are interested

for lauren

& listening to:

8.15.09 - 349/365

2009-08-15T19:13:00.007-04:00

this is a real push/pull process
i paint out
i make gestures
i refine
it becomes too...
worked
precious
labored
stiff
and then i have to destroy it
to paint out again
and bring it back

the days when i have to destroy
they can be really difficult
and i have to remember

"When you begin a picture you often make some pretty discoveries. You must be on guard against these. Destroy the thing, do it over several times. In each destroying of a beautiful discovery, the artist does not really suppress it, but rather condenses it, makes it more substantial. What comes out in the end is the result of discarded finds. Otherwise you become your own connoisseur"

- Pablo Picasso

and i also need to go really slow
because there is going to be a point where i have to stop
and i have never been very good at acknowledging that

sidebar

my fotola posts for today really felt like my drawing to me

8.14.09 - 348/365

2009-08-14T23:36:00.009-04:00

all of a sudden
almost in spite of myself
there's a body of work
developing in the studio
and it does seem to have come from somewhere
tho,
i still don't quite understand
what's going on
but
i am kind of getting used to that

and still haven't figured out
why i am tracking this painting here
and if not here
where?

i suppose this is another question that needs to get addressed
by the end of the month

series so far

8.13.09 - 347/365

2009-08-13T23:46:00.007-04:00

thinking a lot about my place in this world
and going forward
especially with my daily practice
and my blogs, etc.

what are the things about posting images that are important to me?
and what are not?

after this project ends
what structure will replace it?

sometimes my camera gets set accidentally on 3:2 or 16:9

and i don't post these
not on flickr, nor on fotola
because it makes the grid pages all uneven
and i hate that
(notice, no verticals either)

but there is something nice about them
when they happen
and it is in that space
in between
the need for order
and
the love of the accidental
that i need to play

it is the place between
structure
and
discovery

it is being able to balance
a desire for measurement and evaluation
with
the necessity of jumping off the cliff

i knew i was going to confront this in august
and now,
with 347 of 365 days gone
it's time...

8.12.09 - 346/365

2009-08-12T23:18:00.005-04:00

there are places you belong
and places you don't
so why try to force things?

8.11.09 - 345/365

2009-08-11T21:35:00.004-04:00

there is still so much to catch up with
and it feels as if i have been away for ages
but it is such a relief to be home

(and yes,
those little red dots
are tomatoes
:D )

8.10.09 - 344/365

2009-08-10T21:35:00.006-04:00

it's monday morning at 8 am in a days inn in east lyme ct
not at all where i expected to be
but sh*t happens

last night in stop & go traffic
on I95
the mini met a cherokee jeep
and suffered major front end damage
(no one was hurt
and no,
i wasn't driving)

now it's off to rent a car
(basically the same price as 2 train tickets
and it means the flowers & produce from the funny farm will make it to brooklyn)
and try to get home in time to receive my paintings
which are being returned to me from my gallery today

i knew there was a reason why i'd rather stay at home

so many memories

8.9.09 - 343/365

2009-08-09T21:34:00.007-04:00

sunday and it's overcast
but at least it was out of bed
to the beach
that's the way i like
my time away
there are some nice big stones here
that can go back to the garden
that's always fun too

i've taken this picture so many times before
for so many reasons...

life's like that i guess
repeating patterns
under different circumstances

sidebar
& life ...
(or at least self portraits)
so much easier with sunglasses

8.8.09 - 342/365

2009-08-08T21:34:00.003-04:00

finally on the beach
alone

i started out so late
and the parking lots were full
finally found a spot
($20/day!!!)
and
it stands to reason that
if the lot is full
the beach is packed

when i first got there
i didn't know quite how i would handle the crowds
but then
i saw what seemed like a clearing down aways
i walked towards it
and there was basically no one
in an area about 40 ft long
it was because of a (slightly smelly) red tide
it seems people didn't want to be there
it was perfect for me
:))))

8.7.09 - 341/365

2009-08-07T21:56:00.003-04:00

on the way to newport ri
to visit friends
stopped at an exquisite farm
in hindsight,
perhaps a little too exquisite,
a little too precious,
a little too fake...

the really "perfect farm"

8.6.09 - 340/365

2009-08-06T23:39:00.003-04:00

because i have been trying to focus more on "studio"
and less on "vrtual"
and really less on "social"
i have not been participating in certain things as much as i normally would

this was taken in response to lauren mccarthy's 1stfans twitter project

and i finally posted this:

which i found so moving

8.5.09 - 339/365

2009-08-05T21:51:00.010-04:00

it seemed like a good idea at the time
but honestly,
not so brilliant

so yes,
rough again today
i had high hopes
i had bought new muslin to work with
i thought that would provide the thread
instead it kind of broke it
(no pun intended)

{sigh}

series so far

8.4.09 - 338/365

2009-08-04T09:14:00.010-04:00

it's what i saw tonite
it's just what i saw

continuing with this new wip project

so the first step is white
make a blank canvas
so that i can begin to draw

series so far

8.3.09 - 337/365

2009-08-03T21:00:00.001-04:00

just felt like it

8.2.09 - 336/365

2009-08-02T23:18:00.008-04:00

it grew so dark
in the middle of the day
and it rained
and rained
and rained
seemingly
endlessly

i don't know where else to put this
i think it's part of a new project
that hasn't quite formed yet
so it goes here for now

even though this painting was started in my new studio
it is old work
and i am through with this for now
there are aspects of it that i love
but i see those things in too many other places
i used to like that
i used to find it a confirmation
as if i was tapping into a pulse
hooking into the collective
but i don't feel this way anymore
i feel it has become a way of seeing
a language
a response
that is no longer new
and
is rather obvious

i am looking for a new language
or
a new vocabulary
i am not comfortable with what i am finding
in fact
i am so uncomfortable
that each day i come into the studio
i have to start from scratch
retrace my steps
to find the thread of continuity
it's like having to start at the beginning of a book
each time you sit down to read
eventually you can skim those first chapters
because they are
after all
familiar
and perhaps it is just that
that continual repitition
that allows you to own it

but anyway
as i was on my way to saying
i am not comfortable with this new language
even though it is unquestionably mine
i have been using it for as long as i can remember
if i look around the studio
it is in the watercolors
the doodles
the oils
large & small
but i am not comfortable
yet i have no choice

so this painting
let's see
how it transforms
into the present
from where it started
as if it was 3 years ago

series so far

8.1.09 - 335/365

2009-08-01T22:51:00.003-04:00

so it's august
which means that it's the last month of this project
i am ready for it to be over
but i have some work to do
i need to re-evaluate the components of my daily process
aside from ending this project
are there any other aspects of it that need to change/take on a new form?

i found this mesmerizing:

Dean & Britta performed 13 Most Beautiful...Songs for Andy Warhol's Screen Tests"
at the Prospect Park Band Shell tonight.
of course
without the music,
the full impact is lost
if you have a chance to see it
in it's entirety,
do

7.31.09 - 334/365

2009-07-31T23:22:00.005-04:00

it was extremely hard to start working today
i was having a lot of those "failure" feelings
but i did start
and it did go somewhere
and there was a sense of (tenuous) connection
and that's what i have to try to hold on to

and there are some pictures
that i still don't feel able
to post freely
because of the resonance they have

mirrored room installation, dan graham: beyond, whitney museum, nyc

7.30.09 - 333/365

2009-07-30T23:01:00.000-04:00

{sigh}
i don't know
if snapping a pic of yourslf every day
actually qualifies as taking self portraits
but it's all i've got right now...

sidebar:
and what do you think it is about this
that makes it a magnet for asian porn posts

7.29.09 - 332/365

2009-07-29T19:55:00.000-04:00

feels like

7.28.09 - 331/365

2009-07-28T23:59:00.003-04:00

having a hard time facing things
even though the writing's on the wall

7.27.09 - 330/365

2009-07-27T22:57:00.004-04:00

so i went to moma today
to "scratch"
and find the "spine"
of my current work
i came up with something on the ride home
i'm not sure whether or not
it held up once i got into the studio

7.26.09 - 329/365

2009-07-26T21:27:00.001-04:00

lost again
can't find what i care about
painting is a lot about caring
this makes painting hard

7.25.09 - 328/365

2009-07-25T22:32:00.001-04:00

fly free

7.24.09 - 327/365

2009-07-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

strange that i chose this picture today
not at all representative
of how my day went
and how i was feeling about my work
(which wasn't wonderful)
that "connection" is still elusive
& i seem to have lost it again...

7.23.09 - 326/365

2009-07-23T22:50:00.002-04:00

i am not sure why i inverted today's image
looking up would have been appropriate
especially
considering
that i came home to
a small leak in my studio

7.22.09 - 325/365

2009-07-22T23:58:00.001-04:00

years & years ago
(before it achieved cult status)
i read & followed
(at least as far as the morning pages went)
the artist's way
it's where my daily water colors came from

i just started reading twyla tharp's
the creative habit
you know that any book that says
that the real secret is to creativity
"doing it every day"
is going to work for me
:)

i know a lot of what she is writing about
but it's a good
(and much needed)
affirmation right now

7.21.09 - 324/365

2009-07-21T23:49:00.000-04:00

on those days
when i don't do my watercolors today
until tomorrow
everything suffers a bit

7.20.09 - 323/365

2009-07-20T12:49:00.004-04:00

i have been working
it's a slow process
i am not encountering the angst of the past
but i am not sure exactly what i am tapping into
i feel as if i am speaking
in a anguage that i don't understand
it's ok

listening to: dead weather

7.19.09 - 322/365

2009-07-19T21:00:00.008-04:00

when i feel i don't have limits on my time
my time feels more expansive
seems obvious
but what maybe is not so apparent
is that when i don't feel the limits
i don't have to fight so hard to protect what i see as vulnerable
and i don't have to worry that i won't have enough time
this allows me more freedom
freedom to even relax

when i am on my own
without ANY obligations
i can drift from one thing to another
and then back again
without worrying that i will be stopped mid stream
with something left undone

and i can put the bothersome things
way
way
in the back of my mind
let them slip through the cracks if they like
(something always does
anyway)
i can't do that
if there is an outside presence
a constant reminder
that
shoulds/shouldn'ts
coulds/couldn'ts
exist in the world
because then
i feel the need
to work every single second
least i squander some precious time
and that just isn't realistic

7.18.09 - 321/365

2009-07-18T23:13:00.002-04:00

home alone
unbelievably
for the first time in this house
it's something i've needed
and it's another part of my life that is so different now

7.17.09 - 320/365

2009-07-17T23:45:00.003-04:00

the 3rd anniversary of buying the house
i know,
i could look a bit happier
but i was having a slow,
reorienting day
in the studio

7.16.09 - 319/365

2009-07-17T08:21:00.000-04:00

i managed to get home
while it was still light

7.15.09 - 318/365

2009-07-15T21:33:00.011-04:00

smudge is 10
i made her birthday 7/15
(since i have no way of knowing when it really is)
i was born 52.5 years ago
the 15th has always felt significant
my bro is may, my nana was march
and
3 years ago
i moved
i don't remember very much of the day
but i do remember that first night
in that interim apartment
with the cats totally traumatized
(they didn't come out for days)
and the only thing going through my head was
where am i???

7.14.09 - 317/365

2009-07-14T23:16:00.002-04:00

outside
in the garden
by the light of my
cat eyes
just
because

7.13.09 - 316/365

2009-07-13T22:41:00.002-04:00

sometimes
it just feels better to lie down on the floor
tho i have to admit,
my wood floor was a little more forgiving
than this concrete

7.12.09 - 315/365

2009-07-12T20:17:00.003-04:00

finally
finally
finally
back in the studio

for as long as i can remember
i have started every new canvas
by cleaning my brushes on it
building up layers
until i see something
and then i start painting.

today
i just started painting
i have no idea how long it's been
since i painted directly on a blank canvas

7.11.09 - 314/365

2009-07-11T21:42:00.000-04:00

i've said this before,
it's not just the time i spend doing activities outside the studio
it's the time it takes me to transition between the head spaces each entails
the community work is really a killer in this regard
yes, the meetings, the letter writing, the website & the administrative work all take up (lots) of time
but the person i need to be to do this work and the energy level it entails
is the antithesis of who i am in the studio.
the environment of community work is charged with adrenalin, emotion, anger and extreme passion, it is loud & noisy and i become bullheaded, bossy and idealistic
going from this environment to the studio
is like leaving a firing range and then trying to hear a pin drop
or going from bright, bright light into a dark room and trying to see
it is physically impossible
it takes time to adjust
and there is no way of knowing how long it will take

7.10.09 - 313/365

2009-07-10T23:54:00.003-04:00

smudge & i on the deck

and new canvases stretched and ready
a fruitful day
with my partner in crime

7.9.09 - 312/365

2009-07-09T23:44:00.001-04:00

i really don't like when have to do all my daily stuff
well
nightly
but sometimes that's the only way

7.8.09 - 311/365

2009-07-08T19:30:00.003-04:00

another day not in the studio
i am still living my life in the future
this isn't working for me

7.7.09 - 310/365

2009-07-07T23:38:00.003-04:00

i keep seeing something in the mirror
when i draw my self portraits
this is almost it

but it's missing this element

i suppose that would mean getting out the tripod again
i just haven't felt like it
especially when it's late

7.6.09 - 309/365

2009-07-06T23:21:00.000-04:00

i rarely wear a hat
they tend to give me a headache
but
i've been stretching my canvases outside
and i can't believe i am actually saying this,
i think i've been getting too much sun
:)))

7.5.09 - 308/365

2009-07-05T23:12:00.002-04:00

yesterday
i posted an alternate sp
it was taken on the roof of the brooklyn museum
here's a slide show of what else i found there

7.4.09 - 307/365

2009-07-04T23:32:00.005-04:00

so it's july 4th
and finally there is sun
sun and no rain
so the beach is a no-brainer
a 45 minute bike ride
and we're at brighton
which,
since basically everyone is speaking russian
has very little of the independence day thing goin' on

and if i hadn't gone to the beach
this would have been me today

7.3.09 - 306/365

2009-07-03T23:15:00.000-04:00

in the car

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

by Derek Walcott
(Nobel Prize for Literature in 1992)

7.2.09 - 305/365

2009-07-02T23:00:00.000-04:00

i got nailed by the rain on my way into work
so i hopped into the subway with my bike

i got nailed by the rain on my way home
i didn't get on the subway

i got soaked
as in totally & completely soaked

and then
after riding for 45 minutes in the rain
i was about 45 seconds away from home
and it stopped
and the sun came out

7.1.09 - 304/365

2009-07-01T20:04:00.000-04:00

i am still doing these as my "life(s) lesson(s)" journals
i just didn't feel like taking a sp today
once again,
i ended up spending a massive amount of time on community stuff
it's worthwhile
but it's not working for me

6.30.09 - 303/365

2009-06-30T23:08:00.004-04:00

i read something the other day
which was a real confirmation for me

part of my desire for isolation
comes from needing to shield myself from being labeled as "other"
from being told i look at things from the dark side
when i feel i am just being realistic,
from hearing that i just see the glass as half empty
when i believe i can find a silver lining more consistently than most
from the reaction to my self portraits as being depressing
when they are simply me

it is just as important for me
to be able to believe in the structures that i have put in place
to support my work
as it is for me to not listen to doubters,
so coming across something
that wholly supports my idea of process
is of great value.

6.29.09 - 302/365

2009-06-29T23:38:00.001-04:00

there was a fire up the street from me
when i saw the flames coming out of the building
it made me cry...
so much loss

6.28.09 - 301/365

2009-06-28T23:18:00.001-04:00

took a day trip today
it was supposed to be an art excursion
but it was the first day of real sun in ages
and i couldn't bare to spend it inside
so we rode around the island instead

6.27.09 - 300/365

2009-06-27T23:25:00.002-04:00

i am getting very annoyed
by precious & earnest
i am not sure what this says about me

6.26.09 - 299/365

2009-06-26T17:50:00.006-04:00

when i get hungry
i can go out in the garden and pick peas
most of them are still sweet
though some have been on the vine too long
it only takes about 10 minutes
for the mosquitoes to descend
and start devouring me
within 15 minutes i am a mass of welts
and it's time to go inside
but no matter how quickly i open & close the screen door
one always gets in with me

6.25.09 - 298/365

2009-06-25T23:36:00.001-04:00

i put a ring on the other day
one i wore
every day
for years
it feels heavy and cumbersome
these kind of things never bothered me before
now i notice them

6.24.09 - 297/365

2009-06-24T23:34:00.000-04:00

i know it's 2 steps forward
and one back
just wasn't ready for that so soon
i am sure it will be easier this time
to find myself
but right now
that's not much of a comfort

6.23.09 - 296/365

2009-06-23T22:55:00.005-04:00

it's always hard to return to myself
after i have been so public
i think i gave a successful presentation this afternoon
but i m not sure at what price to me...

he misses me when i am gone all day
and he misses being out in the garden

and for linus
who seems to want a full blown smile

6.22.09 - 295/365

2009-06-22T23:12:00.000-04:00

i hate days
that are supposed to be studio days
and i never get into
my studio clothes...

i am supposed to be easing up
on the community stuff
but letting go
(and turning a blind eye)
can be tough

6.21.09 - 294/365

2009-06-21T22:47:00.002-04:00

so this was it
the summer solstice
the longest day of the year
and at 5 pm i need the lights on in the studio
it's sad to me
that now the days get shorter
and with all the rain this spring
we never got to have the experience of them lengthening
it's my absolutely favorite part of the year
and it didn't happen

the burdock and the arugula are going nuts
the tomatoes, eggplants, peppers, broccoli and peas would love a little sun
the mosquitoes are in heaven

6.20.09 - 293/365

2009-06-20T23:31:00.003-04:00

trying to figure out whether or not to go back to being public on flickr
i am very conflicted

a little tech sidebar
using the different aspect ratios on my camera
hadn't played with these before

6.19.09 - 292/365

2009-06-19T23:30:00.003-04:00

i have
for a long time,
wanted to get the spontaneity of my watercolor work
into the oil paintings
over the years i have developed many projects
to address this
early on with the wip project
and most recently with random thoughts

this new work,
this painting over
making marks
and painting over
seems to be a continuation of this search
all of a sudden
seen in this context
this process starts to feel grounded,
connected to previous explorations

6.18.09 - 291/365

2009-06-18T23:57:00.005-04:00

on my way to work...3

6.17.09 - 290/365

2009-06-17T22:47:00.008-04:00

finally
finally
finally
even though everything is most definitely not put away
it is off the studio floor
and i can actually experience
the full width of the room
it's a vast improvement
the space feels so much better;
i no longer feel as if i am painting in a corridor
we'll see what happens next...

the starting point of this video
is from a little "office" area that i have for my work station/scanner/printers/books/etc.
then one goes down 2 steps to the main part of the studio,
there's a slop sink to the left and to the right, beyond that railing
are steps to the basement where i have studio storage.

directly in front of the steps to the main part of the studio
is where i now do my daily watercolor project;
i used to have this set up towards the back
on the left wall
but that made the main studio space
way too narrow
putting it here is the only way i could get the full width of the studio to paint in.

ahead is oski on the floor
and my garden out the back
the very white paintings along the south wall
are no longer so white
but you never know
tomorrow they might be white again.

earlier this month

6.16.09 - 289/365

2009-06-16T23:52:00.005-04:00

omg
i've been a very lazy girl...
i capture every image both as a raw file and a jpg
and
under decent lighting conditions, the jpg is pretty good
but if it's dark
or the white balance is screwy
you really need to pull from the raw to get results
the problem is
photoshop & lightroom can't handle the lx3's files yet
so i need to convert to a dng first
and i get lazy
and i just adjust the jpg
and the snap looks like crap
and i shouldn't do that
honestly,
this is the best i could do with the jpg:

now,
even if you like the effect of the bottom image better,
you have the option to get there from the top
but
you'll never pull the continuous tones you get in the top image
from the bottom one

6.15.09 - 288/365

2009-06-15T23:28:00.000-04:00

made great progress today in rearranging the studio
this is the only random thought that i've left out
surprisingly, even though the random thoughts
continued throughout the renovation
once i started working steadily in the studio
i lost connection with them as well
so they are away for now
i am not sure what my next steps will be
there is still more cleaning up/putting away to do

6.14.09 - 287/365

2009-06-14T23:59:00.004-04:00

i am pretty sure this doesn't look how i feel
quite honestly my paintings don't usually look how i feel either

so
just for the record
i am happy & excited about the changes i am making in the studio
i do feel
it's going to feel
more like what i need

6.13.09 - 286/365

2009-06-13T23:25:00.003-04:00

nina the destroyer

it was an old project, a group of 16 12x12" encaustics
that really never worked
from a time when things weren't working
they were supposed to be a "song"
but it never "sang", the work just wasn't that good
it was only the saudedes of it all
that made me hold on to them
always thinking
that at the very least
they could be a base for something else

but no longer;
it was suggested to me
by my dear friend and accomplished artist: lisa
that one answer to finding my way back
might be to start at the beginning
with a clean slate

so i am going to try this,
try to put away the past,
put away all the things i brought out
to try to make my space familiar
to try to feel "at home"

and i am going to put away
the unfinished work
the unfinished projects
that i was hoping would jump start me into working again
it's a bit of a challenge
because some things that i am working on
truly are new
and need to stay

and it's a bit daunting
the thought of packing up
and putting away
all the stuff it took so long
to unpack
and have back in my life
but i know
that if you want things to changes
you have to change how you do things....

6.12.09 - 285/365

2009-06-12T19:36:00.001-04:00

how do you take a picture
when there is nothing there?

6.11.09 - 284/365

2009-06-11T23:25:00.006-04:00

so first off
i hate vertical
but i was thinking about how i don't think i will ever see myself as beautiful again
and then i took this picture
and thought
wow, that's perfect
it's not going to get much worse than this
but
of course
it does

and i took this
which totally cracked me up

6.10.09 - 283/365

2009-06-10T23:06:00.005-04:00

this is a strangely significant photo...
always,
since i have been taking pictures
i see myself in a moment
and want to take a picture of it
meaning
i want to take a picture
where the subject is the moment

i remember this countless times,
like
being in the bath
with the water running over my feet
or seeing just the tips of my toes
floating above the water line...

somehow,
this is one of those pictures

6.9.09 - 282/365

2009-06-09T23:59:00.001-04:00

this weather is bumming me out
i hate when this happens
one of my favorite things in life
is the experience of the days getting longer
in may % june
but it's been raining for the past 2 months
so it's been impossible to enjoy that
now there are 11 days left
until they get shorter again
this depresses me
i feel gypped

6.8.09 - 281/365

2009-06-08T23:10:00.003-04:00

relearning slowly
the nuances of it all
the gross behavior i remembered
making time to work,
turning paintings upside down,
new materials
all the things that are necessary to create studio space,
both physical and psychological

but it's so much subtler than that:
it's not just clearing time;
it's actually not caring that you are leaving certain things undone,
it's not just about looking at things differently;
it's allowing yourself to respond differently,
it's not just about new materials being fun and exciting;
it's about being able to understand their limitations and find the answers through that

and all of this really comes down to one thing...
following the tiny, fragile thread of that voice

if you think of it that way
that this process is like trying to roll a ball of yarn;
sometimes it is smooth sailing
and that ball grows
becoming more dense
more undeniable
with each layer

as you work
you might hit a tangle
sometimes small
sometimes large
that requires patience & skill,
trial & error,
understanding & determination
to work through

but sometimes you hit a point
where the yarn has been unevenly spun
and it dwindles down to nothing
to the thinnest of threads
that threatens to snap
or just disappear
at any moment

this is where i've been
trying to keep the thread intact
feeling that it's broken many times
because it's become so
impossibly, impossibly thin
this part requires
trust,
faith,
belief
and is plagued with
despair,
doubt,
& hopelessness

but eventually
and there is no telling how long that will be
the thread becomes imperceptibly stronger
less likely to give way
and the rhythm becomes more familiar again

nothing is sure
the thread becomes thinner again at any moment
but maybe less frequently
or maybe not quite so perilously so
sometimes it requires pretending to hear things
that may or may not be there
somehow this believing
strengthens the whole process

so that's where i am
at that threshold
where the thread keeps getting
thinner & thicker
but each time
a little less likely to break
and a little more workable

and it's up to me to be
as gentle
as slow
and
as attentive
as the situation requires

i keep catching glimpses
they keep disappearing
i keep pretending they don't

6.7.09 - 280/365

2009-06-07T23:39:00.002-04:00

honestly
this is exactly what i saw
when i took it

6.6.09 - 279/365

2009-06-06T21:10:00.000-04:00

i swear
i am going to figure this out
i know what the answer is
it has to flow from the inside out
and too many things in my life
are still precipitated by the outside

6.5.09 - 278/365

2009-06-05T12:09:00.003-04:00

a wee smile 4 U
happy birthday fernando
to have had a friendship for so long
one that is so close
with only the chance to meet
thru heart & eyes & mind & soul
is truly a treasure
ilu
yr dada princess
gata

6.4.09 - 277/365

2009-06-04T23:12:00.001-04:00

ahhhhhhhhhh
now this is more like it
;D

6.3.09 - 276/365

2009-06-03T23:29:00.004-04:00

so,
i am teaching a one day workshop at the children's museum next fall
and they wanted a picture of me
so i sent them this (from 3/18):

but that didn't go over so well
they wanted: "more of a headshot and more upbeat to advertise this FUN program"
so i took this...
now truth be told
when other people take pictures of me
this is the face i put on
so it's not exactly true when i say i never smile in pictures
i do, all the time
but i don't smile in portraits

6.2.09 - 275/365

2009-06-02T23:56:00.000-04:00

maybe cleaning the mirror would be a good idea?

6-1.09 - 274/365

2009-06-01T20:17:00.005-04:00

after really becoming bored with the whole sp process in may
i ended up liking how the month in its totality turned out on flickr;
the photos
(which varied in approach
from dead on and dour
to
body parts
when i couldn't face my face again)
interspersed with the drawings, all from the same pov
created a sequence that i like

sidebar
and i found it curious that for the 4 days i was away
it worked much better to use the landscapes that i made
than to substitute late april's drawings that were part of the series
i would have thought having the continuity of form would have been more effective
but the reality is you could tell they were out of order

this is why i do these daily projects
and stick with them even though they hit tough spots
it's to gain a feeling sense of process
and to reinforce my belief that inherent within it
lies a magic
even if it's just the magic of discovery

there is no playing this game without that belief
there is no playing this game without boredom, frustration & doubt
there is no playing this game without a deeply learned understanding
that there is a rightness to the difficulties
not a wrongness

i almost dropped this project several times
but i am stubborn
and this is the
(albeit tiny)
reward for having stuck with it

the affirmation that simply sticking with it
simply riding out the tough times
can result in some interesting finds
even when it feels as if
one is doing nothing but contemplating one's navel

5.31.09 - 273/365

2009-05-31T23:19:00.009-04:00

well,
i guess i am not ready to be so public
i am going to continue keeping the day-to-day images private on flickr
this 2 months of limited internet activity has started to pay off in the studio
and i don't want to change anything now.

this past month,
for the life(s) lesson(s) journal,
i have been drawing sp's again
they are posted on in between the photos on flickr.

sidebar
i was trying to catch up on my condolence letters earlier
(yes, that's plural, i have 4 to write)
and i came across this interview
so much of it really touched me

5.30.09 - 272/365

2009-05-30T22:51:00.001-04:00

well
things are changing in the studio
in a good way
in a slow way
(i like fast
but who am i to argue)

the self portraits however
are still looking the same...
taking a break from "that face"

5.29.09 - 271/365

2009-05-29T23:45:00.004-04:00

first day back in the studio
and it was tough, tough, going
until
i looked at what i was doing
and realized
that's what i am doing
and it doesn't really matter what i think about it
because that's all i am capable of at the moment

5.28.09 - 270/365

2009-05-28T23:37:00.003-04:00

the day started off pretty shitty
dreading work
caught in the rain riding in
had to lock up and sub it
but
somewhere along the line
it turned around
the vibe in the office was a little more relaxed
it was still rainy on the way home,
so it was good i had left the bike in brooklyn
and i was unexpectedly in a social mood

5.27.09 - 269/365

2009-05-27T23:38:00.004-04:00

when i first looked at the sp's from today
i thought:
"i am getting so fed up with this same stressed face every day"
and then i thought
"that might just be what it takes to turn this tide around"
and then i thought
about a question someone asked me not too long ago:
about whether i thought that all this daily dwelling
on these forlorn images
and morose writings
was keeping me in the abyss...

well,
i don't think so
i see it more as a capricorn thing
as in:
no way out but through
but
maybe,
finally,
i have gotten to the point
where i am so bored with the status quo
that i am just going to have to find a way to change it all up,
it's just not going anywhere
at all

5.26.09 - 268/365

2009-05-26T23:33:00.001-04:00

back home
a catch up day
decided to not stress
and moved going into the office until tomorrow

while away,
someone suggested "going away"
as a way
to get back home...
the reality is
coming home
makes it feel a bit more like home;
seeing the cats,
watering the garden,
(the arugula bolted in my absence)
taking a walk to buy bananas
and bumping into neighbors
those things feel like
coming home